hold on to possessions because of sadness about the past, we also cling to belongings because they might shield us from future distress.
The idea of shedding these things may make you more anxious. How do you know if you’ll actually need an item where you’re going if you’ve never been there? Such anxieties can make you question whether you’re still a rational person.
“I know the weather experts say it has never, ever snowed in Key West, but the weather’s unpredictable these days! What if I actually do need my snowblower after I move down there? I might have a heart attack if I have to shovel the driveway! Why did I ever agree to this move?” Just because your thoughts aren’t rational or logical doesn’t mean that you’re not having them!
Anxiety about fitting in, having enough room, making the right decisions, or upsetting your family are all natural. You’re launching into the unknown. So don’t be surprised if you’re anxious and a little on edge.
Guilt. At some point, everything that’s currently in your home was once useful or valuable to someone. Maybe it was important to you, your kids, or your grandparents. And here you are thinking about turning your back on some of it (or a lot of it) and walking away!
The notion of parting with certain items will likely make you feel powerful guilt. I predict that you’ll feel this pang at least once while downsizing, especially if you’re caught up in the idea that it’s your responsibility to maintain the family history or protect the heirlooms. You might get the sense that someone is closely watching over your shoulder, waiting to voice an opinion if you get rid of the wrong thing, whether it’s the ghost of your mother or the memory of your sweet little 7-year-old . . . who’s now 6 feet tall and bearded. (Again, downsizing can really cause you to think irrationally!)
Will your choice feel like you’re betraying someone’s trust? Will someone you care about be disappointed, if only in your mind? Will you be dishonoring a memory or disrespecting someone who’s passed?
Your loyalty can also be to an object, rather than a person. You’ve cared for this possession for years—sort of like it was a pet—and now you’re telling it that it doesn’t rate among your treasures. What if the next owner doesn’t take care of this Disney figurine like you did? Will the Snow White in your hand someday be buried in a landfill?
This kind of obsessiveness can appear unexpectedly. You may find yourself deliberating over items that you previously never thought important or particularly valuable. Again, don’t be surprised. Dealing with the power of your possessions can be deeply unsettling.
Sadness, anxiety, and guilt can dramatically slow your downsizing process. They fuel disagreements and all-out fights between spouses. They cause you to dwell on the worst possible outcomes that could result from the transition you’re making.
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Real-World Downsizing Discovery
Mary says: When my parents moved in with us, I gave Mom free rein to decorate for the holidays, since I worked 40-plus hours, as did my husband. She and my three boys loved it. After Mom passed away, it was difficult for me to see all those decorations.
Once I got through the first year, I decided to start scaling back, since I had SO much. I only kept a few pieces for some holidays (as for Christmas, well, that is ongoing, but I have thinned it a bit). I’ve learned a lot from you, Peter, like how you can never throw away a memory. Also, if you have to keep items, don’t just shove them in a box and say “someday.” Display or give them to someone who will cherish them. Honor their memory.
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The SAG emotions can also cause you to bring way too much stuff into your new home. That’s a problem. Even worse, you may not recognize these emotions while you downsize, which means you don’t bring them into the light to resolve them. If not acknowledged and addressed, they then subtly poison the new phase of your life.
In the next section, your actual downsizing process begins. But before you get started, I’d like to introduce you to the nine common “fears” that slow down or derail downsizing projects. I use quote marks because these aren’t really fears—they’re a form of referred pain that actually comes from sadness, anxiety, or guilt.
Once you dig into each fear and find the specific emotion that’s producing it, you’ll find that