sorts of disagreements and the strong feelings that fuel them are to be expected in times like these.
Downsizing is about so much more than “the stuff.” Those medals were essentially just bits of metal and cloth. But to the people who wanted them, they meant something entirely different. Every object carries stories, memories, and emotions. These may be entirely different for each member of your family. An item that you can’t even recall seeing before might be a deeply significant treasure for a sibling or other family member.
The risk of family conflict and tension is naturally unsettling, but this isn’t a good reason for you to dread downsizing your parents’ belongings or working with your spouse and kids to downsize your own. Challenging family dynamics are actually a reason to welcome the process.
When you understand why people hold particular objects dear, you come to know them on a deeper level: You learn their important memories, their life priorities, and how they view themselves. If an item is significant enough to them that they’ll fight over it, explore those feelings! They’ll lead you to helpful discoveries about these loved ones.
FAMILIES FIND UNEXPECTED GIFTS WHEN THEY DOWNSIZE TOGETHER
Thus far, I’ve been talking about how emotions and impulses related to your possessions can steer your behaviors. You may have trouble simply describing these emotions, let alone controlling them. But as you’ve seen, they’re inside you, and they’re real.
Now throw other people into the mix: parents, siblings, your spouse, your in-laws, and perhaps your adult children. They bring their own history and their own individual points of view, needs, and conflicting emotions. They have considerable decision-making power over how this process is going to work—likely as much or even more than you. They bring their own agenda and follow their own values.
Maybe you have a terrific relationship with your loved ones, and you can’t stand the thought of putting even a little distance between you. On the other hand, maybe you’ve been arguing with some of them for decades, and you’d have trouble sharing a turkey dinner, let alone difficult family decisions. Whatever the relationship, you have a long history with these people that’s going to affect the downsizing process.
Or you may be struggling with a parent who can’t cope with the idea of letting go of a household of memories. Or a parent who’s insisting that you take home a bunch of stuff you don’t want! Or a parent who’s disappearing into dementia or losing function to a chronic physical illness, and you’re anxious about the new responsibility you’ve been handed.
When it’s your own home that you’re downsizing (this chapter applies to that scenario, too!), perhaps you and your spouse are already enduring a lot of stress leading up to your move. The idea of just packing everything into the truck to avoid another argument will probably seem appealing to at least one of you. This is a strategy that many couples use. But if one of you wants to downsize and the other doesn’t, then this is a conflict that will need to be addressed and resolved.
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Real-World Downsizing Discovery
Jane says: After the cluttered life of raising five children and living in a house, then a trailer, then an apartment, I have learned to let go of a lot. My favorite moment of downsizing was when my daughter said to her boyfriend, “See? This is how our place should look.”
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The thought of downsizing with all of these factors in play may feel like mixing unlabeled bottles of powerful chemicals together. What’s the reaction going to be like? Can you and your loved ones control it? Will you come away unscathed or burned?
As difficult as it may be to see them, these fears are concealing more gifts. Take your apprehensions apart and see what’s behind them. Yes, emotions can rise during a downsizing, and so can voices. You may have to rehash old issues that you thought your family had left in the past. But by deliberately working through the task, you can transform your connections with the other people involved.
This requires you to be open to the values that are propelling your loved ones’ actions and words. Listening to their opinions in an unemotional way may not change the situation, but it will definitely give you insight into how to respond to it.
Find out why they seem to want to empty mom’s house as fast as possible or why they are dragging their feet about making a 2-hour drive