mind that grief or fear could be fueling a Provocateur. Someone who is grieving or scared may lash out as a way to cope. Refrain from giving the Provocateur what he wants, which is a big reaction that provides a diversion from the issue that’s important in the moment.
As difficult as it may be, the best way to deal with the Provocateur is to ignore the sting in his comment and address the issue rather than the hurtful delivery style. When you rise to the bait, you’re rewarding his unwanted behavior. Further, engaging the Provocateur or getting into an argument simply distracts everyone from the task at hand and delays the downsizing process. Instead, try to defuse the Provocateur’s anger.
Sample scripts you might use include:
“Okay, Tony, if you want to talk about that, we can, but it will have to wait until we’ve dealt with our scheduled business.”
“Angela, I understand you’re upset about what’s happened in the past, but at the moment, we’re focusing on what we have to get done this week.”
“I can see that this issue is very important to you, and I’d like to talk about it with you later when we can give it the attention it deserves.”
The Peacemaker
At first sight, the Peacemaker seems like a valuable ally during a family downsizing scenario. After all, you want participants who can anticipate and prevent dissent, soothe hurt feelings, and broker compromises. Who doesn’t like peaceable people in a stressful situation?
Be careful what you wish for. Peace that’s artificial and forced can interfere with your downsizing! The Peacemaker demands niceness at all times. He insists on always creating a perfectly fair agreement that leaves everyone equally unhappy. He censors siblings’ comments, in case they might hurt someone’s feelings. He keeps the process synthetically sunny and saccharin sweet.
But this is a family business you’re running at the moment, and sometimes business partners need to be direct—or even blunt—with each other. Sometimes the group must make hard decisions in which consensus may not be possible.
A pushy Peacemaker may keep the family from making a tough decision that feels sad in the moment but fits well in the overall picture and is best for all concerned. A Peacemaker’s shushing may make a sibling resent feeling unheard. Or the Peacemaker may prevent your family from having the messy, cathartic, and real experience it needs in order to have closure.
Dealing with the Peacemaker can make you look like the bad guy if you don’t do it with care. (After all, the Peacemaker seems thoughtful and pleasant. How dare you shut him down?) So accept what he has to say, but ensure that it’s not the last word in the conversation. Invite others to express their opinions if the Peacemaker attempts to stifle discussion.
Scripts you might try include:
“That’s an interesting point of view, Patrick, but let’s hear what everyone else thinks as well.”
“Anne, not everyone will get their way on every disagreement. That’s okay. Let’s just make sure that everyone’s satisfied and treated fairly in the grand scheme of this downsizing.”
“Thomas, let’s keep in mind that we have an emotional task ahead of us. It’s actually good that people feel comfortable enough to express what they really think.”
The Attention Seeker
A cousin of sorts to the Provocateur, this character always finds a way to turn the discussion back to himself at the expense of continuing the downsizing process.
Perhaps a lonely sister enjoys having a captive audience while the family is gathered to work on this task. Maybe a spouse who deals with stress by using sarcasm and humor won’t stop making unfunny jokes. Sometimes it’s simply ego, and sometimes it’s a self-indulgent need to tell the family, “Hey, I’m here. Look at me!”
Attention Seekers might not be as disruptive to the downsizing process as some of these other characters, but they do distract you from the important work at hand.
As with the Provocateur, the best way to deal with the Attention Seeker is not to reward unwanted behavior. Attention seeking may stem from immaturity, so respond to these people in the same way you might handle a disruptive child. Halt their interruption, insist that they stop their troublesome behavior, and create the expectation that they’ll redirect their attention to the task at hand.
Scripts you might use include:
“Paul, we’re currently dealing with how to dispose of Dad’s book collection. If you want to talk about your last trip to Vegas, let’s do that over a drink when we’re done.”
“Thomas, that’s not appropriate now. Please stop!”
“Mary, our