time is really precious here; we don’t have the time to focus on [your issue] right now.”
KEEP LOOKING FOR THE HIDDEN GIFTS OF DOWNSIZING
The same elements you encounter during a family downsizing project that may stir up trouble—the togetherness, the memories, the personalities on full display—can also leave you in a better place after the process is finished.
Even if they’re wearing the costume of an Attention Seeker or Procrastinator, underneath are real people who may feel just as sad, anxious, or guilt-ridden as you do. Their fear and confusion take many forms—just like yours do! Try to look beyond the emotion of the moment to the struggle that your sibling, spouse, child, or parent is enduring.
In many ways, we’re all 8-year-old children making sense of the world. This is especially noticeable when we’re required to alter the world we’ve known. Work under the assumption that those close to you mostly want the same things: peace, harmony, and solutions that build rather than tear down family relationships.
Find the people beneath the difficult exteriors and connect with them. This is a chance to get to know who your grown siblings are now, rather than forever viewing them as the unfinished people they were in your childhood and teen years.
Also, apply the wisdom you’ve since gained with maturity. Avoid reverting to your 8-year-old selves who speak without thinking and act without considering the consequences.
I have heard scary stories like the ones I included earlier in the chapter, and you’ve probably heard friends tell stories like them. In offering those, I don’t want to suggest that they’re the typical downsizing experience.
I have also heard stories of downsizing that helped heal families and bring them together, like the Missouri woman who told me how she and her sister—separated in age by 13 years—“became best friends during the 2 difficult-yet-glorious months” they spent cleaning out their mother’s house after she moved into assisted living. Downsizing also gives you the chance to better understand who your parents are and what values steer their lives. You can learn what they’re scared about or what’s giving them strength. Which of these qualities might you want to adopt? Which do you want to keep out of your own life? These lessons don’t come along every day.
This all applies even when the family that’s downsizing is just you and your spouse. Now’s the time to renew your partnership and relearn how to work through challenging, emotionally messy tasks under a ticking deadline. Why not use the tools in this book to repair and reframe your relationship before you bring it into a fresh new home?
Now is the time to reconnect with who you want to be, too. Do you have emotions that are causing you to be bossy, disruptive, or angry during this downsizing? By addressing these emotions, you could create space for a healthier point of view.
Which brings us to the next chapter. Many of the fears that lead downsizers to make poor decisions grow from the same three poisonous emotions: sadness, anxiety, and guilt. You may think that a certain problem is blocking you from your task, but if you take the time to inspect it closely, you’ll likely find one of these emotions lurking behind it.
When you learn how to reframe these concerns, you’ll be able to move more rapidly—and happily—through the downsizing process.
LET IT GO EXERCISE 5:
Charting My Family Dynamics
Who else will be participating in your downsizing? If you haven’t already discussed how your family members and other participants feel about this event, now is a good time to do so.
Get a sense of whether they’re feeling excited, apprehensive, or a little of each. What do they hope to take from the downsizing, either in terms of emotional closure or physical possessions? How do you think they’ll support the process? How do you think they might obstruct the process? If you sense they may introduce chaos into the downsizing, or have needs that you’ll need to meet, how might you respond constructively?
Jot down a few notes here to help you prepare.
Downsizing teammate 1:
* * *
Downsizing teammate 2:
* * *
Downsizing teammate 3:
* * *
Downsizing teammate 4:
* * *
Downsizing teammate 5:
* * *
Downsizing teammate 6:
* * *
CHAPTER 6
REFRAME YOUR “THIS IS EMOTIONALLY PAINFUL” OBSTACLE
Sometimes your body feels pain in mysterious ways.
A pain in your shoulder doesn’t necessarily mean the shoulder itself is injured. Maybe, because of the way your nervous system is wired, that shoulder pain is actually due to a problem in your gallbladder, located all the way