you, what’s going on with your boy troubles?
Me: I don’t know… he was there, like he saw the fight and stuff.
Mariam: Please tell me they didn’t out you
Me: They didn’t
If there was a silver lining in all of this, I suppose it was that.
Me: But I…
Me: I think I like him. Like really like him. Maybe more than that.
Mariam: That’s great, Benji! I’m so happy for you
Mariam: Now how do we make the grand declaration of love? I’ve got those cannons that shoot t-shirts.
Mariam: Or a flash mob? We can all dance to a Carly Rae Jepsen song and then you pop out in the middle with one of those ‘Will You Go Out With Me’ signs
I want to laugh. I want to laugh so badly, but I can’t make myself do it.
Me: It’ll never happen
Mariam: Why?
Me: I’m too messy
Mariam: Messy?
I take deep breaths. There’s that weird feeling in my stomach again.
Me: He deserves something simpler.
Me: And I’m not that
Mariam: Don’t you think that’s his call to make?
Me: I don’t want to hurt him
Me: And I don’t want him to hurt me.
Mariam: sometimes it’s worth it
Mariam: Never know until you try right?
Me: maybe.
“Ben?” Hannah’s voice almost makes me jump. “You okay?”
I don’t answer.
I want to, but I can’t right now. It’s too much. And in all honesty, Hannah’s one of the last people I want to talk to right now.
I miss an entire week of school. Which isn’t smart since it’s getting so close to exam season, but I don’t care. It feels like I can’t move half the time, and there’s no way I can face everyone at North Wake yet. The only time I get up is to use the bathroom. Every other free moment is spent watching something on my phone. One of Mariam’s new videos, or Bob Ross painting something. Anything to take the edge off.
Thomas brings me food, but I can only nibble at it, even though it feels like my stomach is trying to digest itself. I don’t have much of an appetite. “Hannah made an appointment with Dr. Taylor tomorrow. She has an opening after lunch.”
I notice that it’s not a request. I’ll be going to this appointment, even if they have to drag me out of bed. I’ll have to tell Dr. Taylor I’ve been neglecting my meds. I know not taking them is only making things worse, but I just can’t bring myself to take them, I don’t know why.
“Can you talk to me, Ben?” He reaches for my hand, but I bury it under the sheets. “Or at least talk to Hannah?”
“Not right now.” I’m not angry with her, except that I am. I know it wasn’t really her fault, that Mom and Dad lied, just like they always did. Trying to make themselves the good guys. But it still hurt. “Just leave me alone.”
“Do you think you want to try and go to school tomorrow? Hannah can pick you up for the appointment.”
Nothing. My answer would be no. I can’t face everyone after all of this. I just can’t. I know I need to, and I know the actual probability of anyone giving a shit about what happened at a student art show over a week ago is slim. But I can’t get over the feeling.
Despite everything, I force myself to go back. It’s the end of the year, and while I’d love nothing more than to wallow in my own misery for the next month, the idea of repeating a year is not something I find appealing.
Nathan doesn’t try to talk to me in Chemistry. Maybe he knows I’m not in the mood. When the bell for lunch rings, I hang back for a few seconds.
“Hannah’s waiting for you in the office, Ben.” Thomas waits for me to grab my bag. He even follows me the entire way to the office. No worries, Thomas, I don’t feel like running anywhere. Or I don’t have the energy, at least. I’d really rather do nothing but go home and crawl back under the sheets until I have to repeat all of this again tomorrow.
“You feeling okay?” Hannah asks when we’re in the car.
“Yeah,” I mutter.
“I want you to tell her about the show, okay?”
I really don’t want to talk about it again, but I think I should. Or I know I should. My guess is that Hannah’s already mentioned something to her. I hope she has. Maybe then I won’t have to.
“Ben?” The way she says my name makes it