of him being here is enough right now.
“Can we talk about something else?” I ask. “Please.”
“Anything else?”
I just nod.
“I’ve got this English paper I need to start on.”
“Aren’t we supposed to be on break?”
That makes him laugh. “Be glad you never had Cooper. Might as well get a head start on it though.”
“What’s it on?”
“The Crucible.”
“Witches, stoning, and drowning. Fun times.”
“Mr. Cooper’s letting us pick our own topics, and I got nothing. At least it’s not due until after break.”
“Such a procrastinator,” I tease.
“It’d be easier if there was more gay subtext.”
I let out something between a scoff and a snort. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”
“In tenth grade we read this book about a gang of boys, and two of them were obviously in love, but my teacher turned down my idea for an essay on their relationship.”
“Always stifling creativity.” Two boys, huh? Well, at least he’s comfortable with queer guys.
“Can’t spell ‘subtext’ without ‘butt sex.’” He’s laughing so hard that he can barely get the words out, and that makes me laugh. And after a few seconds we’re both struggling to catch our breath, all the while, our hands never leaving each other’s.
“Do you know anything about astronomy?” he asks when we’ve both gone totally quiet.
“Not a lot. Why? Oh, tell me you’re a total astronomy nerd, please.”
“Let’s see.” Nathan points toward the sky and begins to draw an invisible outline. “You see that there? That’s Orion. And if you follow the belt there, it leads you right to Leo.” I try my best to follow his pattern, but with all the light pollution, it’s nearly impossible.
“And that’s Sirius.” He outlines something else I can’t make out.
“How can you even tell?” I ask.
“I have a secret method.”
“And that is?”
He leans in closer and whispers, “I’m making it all up.”
“You ass.” I want to shove him, but that would require the hand that his is currently occupying, and there’s no chance I’m giving this up. Not right now.
“I don’t even think I could find that North Star thing everyone’s been talking about,” Nathan adds as we settle back down. “Dad tried to teach me, but at this point I’m totally convinced it’s a conspiracy.”
“Yeah, they told me that in second grade. Keep the North Star a total secret from one Nathan Allan. Hush-hush stuff, you know?” I can’t keep myself from giggling.
“Good, mystery solved. That means I can finally put it behind me.” He lets out a long sigh, and then he looks at me.
Silence surrounds us again, but it definitely isn’t the bad kind. I don’t know how to describe it, but it feels comfortable. Like we don’t have to say anything right now.
We’re enough for each other. At least in this moment.
“Thanks.” I run my thumb over the skin of his hand. I can almost feel his heart beat now; it’s thudding in his chest. Is he actually nervous? That seems so un-Nathan. “Thank you for this,” I say. “For sharing this with me.”
His mouth spreads into that smile. “No problem.”
I wake up early the next morning, because of course I do. I can’t even sleep in for spring break. Staying asleep has been getting easier, but Dr. Taylor told me it could take a few weeks for us to see if the medication is working, so maybe I’ve just tricked myself into thinking the problem is going away.
But last night, it didn’t feel like the anxiety was what was keeping me awake. Nathan and I sat out on his roof for what felt like decades, until his phone started ringing, his mom letting him know that they were on the way home.
He offered to introduce me, but I turned him down. I don’t know, something about meeting his parents, the way they’d probably look at me as this total stranger who’s been home alone with their son for who knows how long. I’ve also been to their house twice now without their knowledge, so I know it’s going to have to happen soon. Maybe one day I’ll work up the courage.
It’s still pretty cool outside, even if it’s almost April, so I throw on a hoodie and sweatpants and sit out in the enclosed area of Hannah and Thomas’s porch, the screen windows letting in just enough cool air.
My fingers trace my palm, the exact place Nathan held my hand. That moment on the roof, it’s like he knew. What exactly he knew, I have no clue. I don’t even know what it means, if it’s even