started dating after college?” I almost can’t get my question out.
“Yup. He ended up moving back home. We kept in touch, and then one day he tells me that he’s moving back down here to teach, so we hung out more and more and, well.” She shrugs her shoulders. “It just sort of happened.”
“Uh-huh.” I eye my hand.
“Okay, now I have to see you try the right one.” She leans forward eagerly, on her elbows, and I realize my mistake the second I pick up the brush. This is so awkward, and is this how I held it the last time? It feels so unnatural. I try for my thumbnail first, since that’s the biggest, but I somehow manage to fuck it up almost instantly.
“Fine, here.” I wipe the coat away before it dries and hand the brush to Hannah.
“Told you,” she half sings. I should’ve just given it to her in the first place. She’s so methodical in how she does it, her hands so much steadier than I could’ve ever dreamed. It only takes her seconds to coat the nails. “Okay. Paint time. Your other hand should be dry enough.” She uncaps the actual nail polish and gets to work.
“Do you think college was worth it?” I ask.
“Eh.” She shrugs. “Lot of debt, but I like my job.”
I dawns on me that I don’t even know what my own sister does for work. Four months of living here and I have absolutely no clue what she spends her day doing. “What do you even do?”
That makes her chuckle. “I’m a Realtor. Lots of paperwork, but it’s more fun than you’d imagine.” She starts on another finger. “Why are you asking about college?”
“Just been thinking about it,” I say. “I don’t know if it’s really for me.”
“I know that feeling. Freshman year I sort of had to wonder if it was all worth it. But I knew I couldn’t go back to that house.”
Not even for me, apparently.
I don’t want to think that, but the thought rears its head like an ugly pimple. I have to actually stop myself from saying something I know I’ll regret, and I can feel myself tense up. At first, I don’t think Hannah notices, but then she pulls the brush away. “You okay, sib?”
“Yeah.” I nod. “Just thinking.”
I think she believes me, because she dips the brush in the polish again and goes back to work.
“I’m going to take a year off. After graduation,” I say, trying hard to get far away from anything to do with home. I’d been thinking about it for a while now, wondering what Hannah might think. She might be like Mom and Dad, demanding I get some kind of higher education. But the more I thought about the idea of four more years of school, the more I hated it. “Maybe I can think about it then?”
“That’s probably a good idea. Gap years can be good. Did you apply for anything yet?”
“A few.” But whatever I’m sent, acceptances or rejections, will be sent to Mom and Dad’s address.
“Whenever you’re ready. Thomas and I can help you with loans and paying for stuff.” She keeps her eyes on my hand, her tongue peeking out slightly through her mouth.
“You don’t have to do that. I mean the whole paying thing.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’ll … I’ll pay you back when I can. Somehow. For all of this.”
“You don’t have to do that.” She finally looks up. “Just consider it payback for all the birthdays and Christmases I missed.”
There we go again. I feel the guilt rising up like bile. “Hannah.”
“Nuh-uh.” She sticks the brush in front of my face. “No arguing, you just worry about graduating right now, okay?”
“I—”
“Benjamin De Backer.” She eyes me. “Don’t make me send you to your room.”
“Okay, okay,” I say. “Sorry.”
“You just don’t need to worry right now, okay? Things are fine. Thomas and I both make plenty, and we also have our savings. You aren’t a burden or anything. I want you to know that. Okay?”
I nod and wipe my hands on my knees, but then I stop. I don’t know if that’ll somehow mess up the paint or something like that. I just really don’t want to keep talking about it.
Hannah sets to work on the last nail, not really paying attention to me. “And we are done!” She makes a final stroke with the brush and admires her handiwork. “Not too bad, if I say so myself.”
I stare at the color, my fingers shaking