reason why?”
“None that I can think of.” Except maybe it’s because I like him? And maybe I like the thought of holding his hand, of being close to him. And maybe I want to go further than that. And maybe I’m terrified of what will happen if we do.
“I’m happy to hear you’ve got someone you can trust,” she says, then her eyes move down to my hands. I doubt it’s the first time she’s noticed my nails, but she hasn’t said anything before now. “That’s a beautiful color.” She nods. “Did you do those yourself?”
“Oh.” I stare down at them, resisting the urge to hide them. I fought with myself a bit before deciding to go out in public with the paint still on. Not that a visit to Dr. Taylor’s office is really “public,” but it’s outside the house. “Hannah did them for me.”
“How are you two?” Dr. Taylor asks.
“Fine, I guess.” I rub my hands together, trying to feel less self-conscious about the paint.
“You’re doing okay? Better? Arguing?” She goes on after I don’t answer.
“We’re okay.” I stress the “okay.” “Why do you ask?”
“I was curious,” she states.
“About?”
“I was mostly curious if you resented Hannah at all?”
I hate that my answer comes out so easily. “A little, I think.”
“Do you think she knows that?”
“Well, it’s not like I’m eager to tell my own sister how bitter I am.” I rub my eyes, the stinging feeling coming back slowly. “I just … She got so much, you know?”
Dr. Taylor nods.
“She got to get out, go to school, get a job she loves, find someone who loves her.”
“And you were left with your parents?”
“Yeah.” I slouch back on the couch, not meeting Dr. Taylor’s eyes. “It just … It felt like when she left, she just forgot about me. You know?”
“I do.”
“I get that she couldn’t call, and that it was impossible for her to come back home.”
“Well, that doesn’t make your feelings any less valid, Ben. You were hurt by what she did, you can’t control that. And in that situation, neither could she.” Dr. Taylor leaves her notepad on the coffee table and leans forward. “Have you talked to her about this?”
“No.” I shake my head. “How could I even do that? After all she’s done for me?”
“Does it feel like she’s trying to make it up to you?”
“Maybe. I don’t really know.”
“Perhaps talking with her would be a good thing? Help you get everything out in the open.”
“You think so?” I ask.
“I do, and you never know until you try, right?”
I think Dr. Taylor thinks her words will make me feel better, but they don’t. There’s still this weird feeling in my gut. I don’t think Hannah would be mad at me for feeling this way. But I don’t know; it feels like if I told her all this …
Then things would never be the same.
“Ready to go back to school?” is the first thing Mariam says when I accept their FaceTime call.
“Not on your life,” I say.
“Come on, only two more months.”
“Two and a half,” I correct.
They laugh. “So, me and Shauna went out again.”
“Shauna?” I rack my brain, trying to remember who that is.
“The girl, the one I’m quite fond of kissing and holding hands with now? Purple hair, sort of looks like she’ll turn you into a frog if you wrong her.”
Jesus, how could I forget? “Right, sorry.”
“You okay?” They lean into the camera. “You seem spacey tonight.”
“Just thinking about a lot of things.”
“Talk to your enby mama!” They chuckle. “Dr. Haidari is in the building.”
“It’s a guy.”
“Again? Look at you.” They cheer. “Different guy or same guy?”
“Same one.” I open my mouth before I realize what I’m doing. “Mariam, how do you get someone to like you?”
They let out a little squeal and I have to put them on mute before Hannah or Thomas think something is wrong. “Sorry, I’ve just been waiting for this day for forever.” They pretend to wipe away a tear.
“Love the vote of confidence,” I add.
“How does he act around you?”
“The same way he acts around everyone else, pretty much.”
“Is it that confusing sort of friendly where you don’t know if he really is just being friendly, or if he’s flirting with you?”
“Basically.” I sigh. “I don’t even know if he’s queer. Or how the whole nonbinary thing would even work.”
“Cross your heart and hope he’s bi?” Mariam even makes the little “x” over their chest.
I can’t help but laugh.
“What do you like about him?”
“That’s kind of