just a few weeks from graduating high school. Our housekeeper found it, and Doug freaked out. He was scared to death she was going to tell someone. He was pissed at me for keeping it and not hiding it better. I was angry that we were fighting over it. It was a heat-of-the-moment thing where I let my emotions get the better of me. I said some shit I shouldn’t have about coming out and hiding for him. I told him I wanted to come out, that I was tired of hiding, even though I don’t even know if that was true. I told him I shouldn’t have to be in the closet because he was.
“We were up at the cabin. Doug left, and he was so… Christ, Griff. I’d never seen him so upset. The second he pulled away, I knew something was wrong, that I should have stopped him, that I shouldn’t have said the things I did.”
My vision was blurry, the fire just a ghost swimming in tears in front of me.
“Fuck.” I wiped my eyes. “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry for feeling something.”
Maybe I didn’t, but I did have to get this out before I lost my nerve. Then I could lock it all away again. “He got in a car accident—ran straight into a tree. I’ll never know if it was on purpose or not, but regardless, it happened because he was upset with me. I waited for him at the hunting cabin for hours. I didn’t know what happened. I had to hitchhike to town, and then I found out about the accident. He was in a coma. I didn’t leave for school. I stayed and mourned him every fucking day, while hoping and begging that he would open his eyes again and come back to me. The whole time, no one could know about us. I had to keep pretending he was my best friend and that we hadn’t had plans. Had to pretend we didn’t want to live together and be together and travel the world. We were going to go backpacking in Europe and fix up old houses in our spare time. He liked that shit, but his dad wouldn’t have allowed a career in it. I used to teach him. He was a mess at it at first.” Shit. I was smiling. How could I be smiling? “But he got better. He hadn’t been used to working with his hands, and I liked to get him dirty… But yeah, I pushed too hard, and I lost him. Lost the person I loved, and then had to pretend I didn’t love him.” There was nothing like that feeling. It felt like a lie, like a betrayal of who we were.
“Jesus, and then when I left like that…”
“Not your fault. How could you have known?” I wiped my eyes again and leaned back in the chair, my arms along the armrests.
“I don’t know what to say,” Griff admitted. “I’m so damn sorry. I can’t imagine what that had to feel like.”
“I’m sorry too. Sorry for him, and for you. Earlier, I shouldn’t have—”
“I wanted you to kiss me, Josh. Please don’t apologize for that. It’s confusing, and I have a lot to figure out, but I can’t bear for you to apologize for it, even if it doesn’t happen again. It probably shouldn’t happen again.”
My heart started thudding, and I whipped my head toward him. My mouth opened, and the first words that fell out were, “I wanted it too.”
“But it’s…”
“Complicated,” we said in unison.
“Have you ever?” I asked Griff.
“With a guy? No. Not really. There was this one awkward experience over the summer.”
Over the summer? I didn’t expect that.
“I’m sorry about Doug, and sorry for leaving the way I did. There’s just…a lot going on up here.” He tapped his temple. “But me and my shit aren’t important right now. Jesus, man. Thank you for sharing that with me.”
I nodded. “I need you to know, the thing with us, me wanting to kiss you, the only reason I’m not on board with it is because I can’t give you what you deserve. I can’t ever put myself out there again like that.”
“I’m not in love with you, Westbrook.”
“What’s with the last-name thing?”
Griff shrugged. “Don’t know.” He took a deep breath. “Do you want to tell me about him? Doug. You don’t have to, but I figure…well, you’ve never really been able to talk to anyone about him.”
Damned if my hands