not telling you first?”
I mulled over my words before replying. Was I mad? No, I wasn’t. I felt left out, but that wasn’t something I was willing to share with Kellan. What kind of brother would I be if I took this moment away from him? I needed to sort this out myself, not drag him into it. “No, Kell. Why would I be upset?”
He grinned again. “I know we talked about it a little that day, but I wanted to make sure. You’re the most important person in my life. I wouldn’t be who I am without you. I’ll always acknowledge that, and I’ll always feel like the luckiest guy in the world for having Griffin Caine for my brother.”
I rolled my eyes playfully. “All right, all right. No need to get all mushy.”
Kellan laughed. We talked for a little while about their plans. Kellan and Chase wanted to get married in the spring. After that, they planned on getting pregnant. “We’re gonna use my sperm. I would have been happy either way. I just want a baby. But Chase, you know how he is. He said he’s always been a Caine. He holds no ties to the Hawthorne genes.”
I didn’t know why, but hearing that made my pulse speed up. I would have loved the baby equally no matter what, but… “I like that. Knowing maybe she’ll look like Mom or have Dad’s eyes, ya know?”
Kellan cocked a brow. “She, huh? You already think you know that?”
“I do. Trust me. The world’s greatest uncle knows these things.”
We laughed.
“Chase also said, when we get married, he wants to either take our last name or hyphenate it with Caine first.”
It was odd how some things could make you happy, could feel right in so many ways but also cause the cold hand of loneliness to wrap around you. It was how I felt in that moment. Chase being a Caine was…right. It just was. He always should have been a Caine, and he’d always been a brother to me. On the other hand, I realized I might want…well, some of what they had, but I didn’t think I’d ever get it. I’d never been in love, didn’t enjoy sex all that much. I was different.
I cleared my throat. “That’s good. Perfect. He’ll be my brother in name too.”
Kellan nearly glowed, he looked so damn happy.
The waitress brought our meals after that. We ate and bullshitted about random things. My stomach felt slightly queasy as we got to the end of our lunch. I was nervous to tell him about going away with Josh. Not that I thought Kellan would mind—he didn’t really work that way—but because I was still twisted up and confused about it myself.
“So…” I said, rubbing a hand along my jaw.
“Do tell. I’m intrigued. I have a feeling this is going to be juicy.”
“You’re such a dork.”
“You’re stalling.”
“No, but I am taking a trip with Josh. We’re going to get a cabin in Asheville. Don’t know why really, and you guys are welcome to come. Maybe the whole crew can go, but yeah, we are. Taking a trip. I can’t remember the last time I went away. I need it.” I’d just had a weird case of rambling, which was odd for me. I’d add it to the list of all the other fucked-up shit going on lately.
“Okay, why are you acting like you’re nervous to tell me this? Did you think I’d care?”
“No, not really. More my issue than anything.”
Kellan cocked his head, looking at me with familiar inquisitive eyes. Kell was always so damn curious about the world. I envied him that in some ways. “Is there something going on between the two of you that you need to talk to me about?”
My mouth fell open, and my heart thudded. “What? No. Why in the hell would you think that?”
“I don’t know, but it would be okay if there was. I’d be a little worried, but it would be okay. I’m always around if you need to talk. About anything. No matter what. Or if you’d rather not with me, there’s Chase or Remy. I know you and Remy have gotten close.”
“Stop.” I waved him off. “There’s nothing concerning Josh that I need to talk to you or anyone else about.” But lately, I’d felt…different—that damn word kept popping up—with him. He drove me crazy more often than not. It had felt weird when he walked away with that guy in Richmond, not to mention