as they posted the position. Maddy, I need to be a team lead; it’s my only way out. I hate being on the phones.”
I give her a tight-lipped smile. “As soon as you get the lead position, you’ll quit smoking again, right?”
Kars crosses her heart. “Right. It’s only temporary since I’m immersing myself in their lifestyle. But once they see that I’m one of them, I should be able to ace the interview and secure the position,” she says like she’s some sort of covert FBI agent on a clandestine operation. She lowers her voice, “I’m incognito. You know the saying—if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...”
“You’re a goose.” I smirk. “A goose disguised as a duck.”
“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” she quips.
And she’s right. If she snags the lead position, it will surely bode well for all us goslings. She’ll be the Mother Goose, looking out for her feisty flock.
Kars interrupts my thoughts. “The smoking part is easy. The hardest part for me is acting like a complete flooze ball, flirting and slutting myself out, stroking all these managers’ egos.”
That very second, Richard Just-Call-Me-Dick Jones ambles by, and Kars completely transforms herself.
“Oooooh, Diiiiiiiiiiiiiickkkk,” she coos in a high pitched, whiny, nails-on-chalkboard voice. “That tip you gave us on selling, you know, asking the callers ‘What is your hesitation?’ Well it’s been working wonders for me! My sales have practically quadrupled!”
Dick puffs his chest out like a puffer fish. “Well, I am so glad that’s been working for you. Back in the day, when I was in the trenches like you, that sales pitch of mine sealed plenty of deals for me. I was the top sales performer for Fanny Farm Insurance.”
Karsynn’s eyes widen like hard boiled eggs. She emits a gay, tinkling laugh. “You were?” she enthuses, suddenly becoming buoyant, tossing her hair this way and that. “Wow! You’re so amaaaazzzzzzzzzzzing.”
Dick straightens himself, his eyes shining with self-importance. He addresses Kars, “And what is your name again?”
“I’m Kars,” she breathes evocatively. “Karsynn Higginbotham, and I recently applied for the team lead position,” she adds in a syrupy voice.
“Well I’m glad to see that we’ve got some good candidates.” He gives her a big fat wink and plods off.
I blink. Err...did that just happen?
Karsynn wheezes and collapses into a ball. “Whoa! It ain’t easy being an airhead.”
I mimic Karsynn by using a nasally, helium-filled, cat claws-scraping-car-hood voice, “Ooooooooooo, Diiiiiiiiiiick, my sales have practically quadrupled. You’re so amaaaazzzzzzzzzzzing.”
Kars delivers a solid punch to my arm. “It’s politics baby. Plus I’ve got no choice. You should see the real Call Center Termites that I’m up against for the team lead position.”
I shoot her a quizzical look. “Call Center Termites?”
“Yeah, these incompetent bimbos who chew on the managers’ wood. And you know what? They don’t stop there! They chew on everybody’s wood—the team leads, the supervisors, the directors, anyone and everyone who can help them get ahead. Soon we’ll have such a severe infestation of these completely inept termites who haven’t the foggiest idea how to do their jobs once they’re promoted, that this whole friggin’ structure will be on the brink of collapse!” She flings her arms, gesturing wildly as she finishes off her tirade.
“Okay, Kars, calm down now. Take a deep breath.”
She stops and catches her breath. “You worry about scoring the techie position, and I’ll worry about securing the lead position. Now,” she tuts, “have you got all your ducks in a row?”
“I’ve got all my ducks in a row,” I say indignantly.
“Well make sure they’re in a perfect row. You’ve got some stiff competition yourself.”
“Who?” My interest is piqued for obvious reasons.
“Mika!” she exclaims, thumping my back.
I curse under my breath, “Dammit!”
“Don’t worry, Maddy! You, me and Mika will be going places. We’re the unstoppable trio of musketeers, and we shall sally forth and conquer this call center!” Raising an imaginary sword, she bellows, “ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL!”
My head is still reeling from the fact that I’ll be up against Mika for the techie position.
“Well, Maddy, I’ve got plenty more schmoozing to do, and I’ve got to keep a close eye on my competition. Like they say, keep your enemies close, but keep the Call Center Termites closer.” Bouncing away with the buoyancy of a cheerleader, she wields an imaginary sword and bellows once more, “Remember what I said—ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL!”
I stare after her open-mouthed.
What is the world coming to? Rambo Girl has