blow-by-blow account of my cousin Jessica’s delivery of her baby.
This was posted on my Facebook newsfeed:
Yay! Woo Hoo! We’re all so excited! Jessica is dilated to almost three centimeters.
Now she’s four centimeters and fifty percent effaced.
Now she’s six centimeters.
Now she’s ten centimeters and getting ready to push.
Here we go!
WOW. Isn’t that just a blessing?
I practically choked on a pretzel. TMI!
Um, no it’s NOT a blessing. I did a George W., i.e., choked on a pretzel and almost died.
A self-administered Heimlich saved my life.
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An exceprt from Fourteen Days Later by Sibel Hodge
Chapter 1
‘Fourteen days,’ said Ayshe. ‘That’s all it takes to change your life for the better.’
‘You are joking, right?’ I arched an eyebrow. ‘Nobody can change their life in fourteen days.’
‘That’s not what it says in here.’ Ayshe held up the magazine she’d been flicking through, her finger underlining one of the articles.
‘“Orgasms or Chocolate? What do women really want?”’ I read the headline aloud.
‘What?’ Ayshe looked at the magazine and adjusted her finger. ‘Not that. This. “Turn Your Life Around. The Simple Fourteen Day Plan Anyone Can Do”.’
‘That’s ridiculous.’ Tucking my legs underneath me on the sofa, I picked at my frayed jogging bottoms.
‘No, what’s ridiculous is you still moping about over Justin. It’s been six months since you split up with him. You need to move on with your life.’ She rose from her chair and flounced down next to me, resting her arm on my knees.
I wriggled away from her. ‘I’m having another iced coffee; want one?’
‘It’s too cold for iced coffee. It’s the middle of November for God’s sake,’ she called out as I clattered around in the kitchen. ‘Anyway, I thought you’d promised to cut down on your caffeine intake.’
When I returned, I sank down onto the sofa. ‘I still haven’t managed to get a plumber out to fix the dishwasher. Either they don’t turn up when they say they will, or they won’t come out for anything less than a total bathroom refurb.’
Ayshe watched me in silence.
I sat it out for a while, her steady gaze drilling into me. ‘What?’
‘Trying to change the subject isn’t going to work. You can’t avoid this much longer.’
‘I’m not, it’s true. You can never get hold of a plumber these–’
She clamped her hand over my mouth. ‘You need to go out and do things – and don’t give me that rubbish about you’ll never meet another man – he was the right one – he was the love of your life. I know four years together is a long time, but everybody always says that when they split up with people. You will get over him, but not if you keep refusing to move on with your life.’ She pushed me on the leg.
I wasn’t expecting the jolt and spilt my coffee all down my attractive jogging bottoms.
My thoughts drifted back to the time I’d discovered a size sixteen Agent Provocateur thong stuffed into the pocket of Justin’s best work trousers during the usual laundry run. I was pretty sure his company hadn’t suddenly changed their dress-code. I mean, smart trousers, shirt, and thong, wouldn’t sound too good in the staff handbook. I was also sure he couldn’t have picked it up innocently – as he’d told me – because he needed to dust the photocopier and thought it was a rag. And I knew it wasn’t mine because I’d never really fancied a piece of dental floss chafing my bits and bobs.
She lifted her hand away from my mouth.
‘So what else does it say then, this article?’ I feigned interest, rubbing at the coffee stain with my hand.
‘It’s about trying to get more interests in your life if you’re stuck in a rut. It was written by one of those new trendy life coaches who try and get you to organize your life better. Apparently, you have to set yourself challenges to have a brand new experience every day for fourteen days, to gain more confidence; something to do with re-evaluating things and re-balancing your yin and yang – or your Hong Kong Fuey – or whatever it is.’
I snorted. She ignored me and ploughed on regardless.
‘The more things you do, the more confidence you gain, and you become a more focused and better person. You need to be more proactive with your life, and I think this is just what you need.’
I heaved a dramatic sigh.
‘It’s not just about meeting a man.