Christ, no wonder you lost Joe.”
The blood drained from my face. “What?” I whispered.
Kelly nodded slowly, and his face was twisted like I’d never seen before. Oh, he was still my brother, the same shape and size and color, but he was darker somehow. Eyes flat and cold, the light snuffed out. “I know, Carter. I wasn’t supposed to, but I know. Joe was with you. Dad told you to keep an eye on him. But you didn’t like your little brother trailing after you, telling you to wait up, Carter. Wait for me! You were with your friends, and you didn’t have time for the little king. You ran, and Joe tried to keep up, but you were too fast. You laughed, your friends laughed, and then Joe was gone. A beast came from the forest and stole our brother away, and you let it happen.”
I moved without thinking. I lunged for him, snarling, claws extended, wanting to tear him, spill his blood, make the truth stop pouring from his mouth. He didn’t flinch. He didn’t try to get away.
No.
He smiled.
And I passed right through him because Kelly wasn’t there at all.
I landed roughly on the ground, skidding through the snow. I came to a stop near an old oak tree, blinking up at the gun-metal sky.
I knew my eyes were flickering violet. That ol’ familiar feeling.
“Help me,” I whispered. “I’m slipping.”
There was no response.
I FOLLOWED HIM deeper into the woods.
There were rabbit tracks. Gavin had stopped near them, and I could see the long divots in the snow where he’d put his snout, chasing the scent.
But he’d let it be and continued on.
I did too.
“Kelly,” I said as I trudged through the forest, “I’m sorry. Come back. Please come back.”
He didn’t.
I wanted to go back to the tree. Find the picture. Hold it against my chest until I felt awake again. It was mine, I knew. All mine. Gavin stole it from me, but I found it. It was mine.
I pushed on.
I walked for what felt like days. Sometimes I thought I saw wolves moving in the trees around me out of the corner of my eye, but anytime I tried to find them, tried to see them straight on, they were gone.
“You did this,” I told my father. “You did this. You knew. You knew about Gavin, and you said nothing. You kept him away. You hid the truth from us. From Gordo. What more could you have done to him? You took Mark away from him. You left him behind. You didn’t tell him he had a brother. You let Joe get his claws in Ox without him knowing what it meant. You died when we needed you most. Why would you do that to us? I love you. I hate you. I wish you were here. I wish you weren’t my father.”
A wolf howled, and I didn’t know if it was real.
“I try,” I panted, skin slick with sweat even though I was freezing. “I try so goddamn hard to do the right thing. To keep my family safe. To be a good wolf. And what does it get me? I’m thousands of miles away from home. I’m losing my mind. I want him. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s all a dream. Or magic. He did something to me. Made me care about him. Made me miss him when he was gone. Made me put tires to the secret highways even though I told myself I would never do that again. He saved us. He saved himself. He is my shadow. I am his. Livingstones and Bennetts. Bennetts and Livingstones. It’s a circle, a snake eating itself. Kelly? Kelly!”
Clumps of snow fell from tree branches.
A flash of brown in the distance. A buck. A big one.
“Run,” I whispered to it. “It’s not safe here in these woods. I’ll hunt you. I’ll kill you. I’ll eat you up I love you so.”
And on and on it went.
THE TRACKS LED to a cave.
I stared at it. The mouth was large and gaping, a black hole from which came the sound of the diseased heart, the pulse that pierced a hook through my brain and pulled, pulled, pulled.
The fog in my head cleared slightly.
“Yeah,” I whispered to myself. “Now would be a good time to turn around. Only people with a death wish would go into caves in the middle of nowhere.”
I looked around for Kelly, hoping he’d be there with me. I needed to apologize for