but I didn’t think he believed his own words. “And maybe we won’t ever know what they were, but I don’t think he did it to hurt anyone.”
“Even if he didn’t mean it, it still happened,” Kelly said.
I sank to the ground. They came with me, all of us crossing our legs. Our knees bumped together, and they didn’t let go of my hands. We huddled together. Their warmth chased the worst of the chill away.
I said, “I saw him.”
Joe hung his head. “Where?”
“In the woods. Before you and Kelly showed up. I was lost. Hurting. Slipping. I don’t know if it was part of my head being fucked or… something else. But I saw him. And he told me to howl as loud as I could. And I did, because he was asking me to, and I would have done anything for him.”
“We heard you,” Kelly whispered, laying his head on my shoulder. “It was big. I felt it in my bones. I ran as fast as I could.”
“You found me.”
Joe said, “We knew we would. I don’t know if I can explain how we knew, but we did. It was… different. There. More different than any other place we’d looked. We got to the house and we smelled your blood mixed in with all those hunters, and for a moment I thought we were too late. I thought you were—” He choked. I squeezed his hand. He cleared his throat and said, “But I knew. Once I pushed the stench of blood away, I knew. We both did. Gordo too.”
“I’m sorry,” I said roughly. “For that. For everything.”
“We know,” Kelly said. “It’s in the past. I’m still mad at you, but you’re here now. That’s what’s important.”
“Truth,” I whispered. “The truth is important.”
Joe said, “What? What are you—”
“I lost you,” I said, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But he needed to hear it from me. And I needed to tell him. “I don’t know if you remember. But it was my fault.”
He was watching me, but I couldn’t look at him. “What are you talking about?” he asked slowly.
“In Caswell,” I said through gritted teeth. “You were—I was supposed to be watching you. Dad told me to. I was with my friends. I thought you were annoying. You begged for me to wait up, that we were going too fast. But I didn’t. I kept on going. And then I couldn’t hear you anymore, and I was relieved. It was small and quick but I still felt it.”
“Why?” Joe asked. There was no censure in his voice, no anger.
“Because you were the little king. You were so important. Dad was always telling everyone how you’d be Alpha, that you were born to lead. That you’d become something great, and even though I told myself I didn’t care about that, I did.” My face burned with shame. I blinked rapidly. “It wasn’t fair of me to be like that.”
“You were a kid,” Kelly said. “You couldn’t—”
I shook my head. “I was the oldest. I am the oldest. It was my job to protect you. And I… I failed.” The last word broke. I tried to recover. “I thought it didn’t matter. That Joe would run home and tell Dad how I’d ditched him, and I’d roll my eyes because the little king was telling on me, and Dad would get mad, and I’d think, there, little king. Are you happy? Are you happy now?” I hung my head. “I hated myself for feeling like that. It wasn’t your fault. You had no choice in the matter. And then you were just… gone.”
Joe let my hand go. I thought he was angry. I thought he would rage at me, scream with his eyes flooding red, his Alpha voice rolling over me.
He didn’t.
All I felt from him was blue.
He touched my ear. The side of my face.
He said, “I think Dad might have loved Richard. More than just as pack. More than friends.”
Kelly inhaled sharply.
“I don’t know that for sure. I don’t have any proof. But I think he did. He loved Mom, completely and fully, and she was his mate, even if he didn’t really like that word.” He pressed his hand against my chest, pushing me onto my back on the ground. My coat was thick, but I could still feel the cold seeping in. Joe turned, pointing his legs away from me, laying his head on my stomach. Kelly curled