between us, I could….” I shook my head. “Even when he was stuck as a wolf, I felt it. I didn’t know what it was. In hindsight, I should have. I hated it at first, but I got used to it. Then he was gone. It hurt more than I ever thought something like that could. And all I could think about was getting to him. I need him to be my shadow because without him, I’m… I felt lost. He’s snarly. He’s surly. He’s a pain in my fucking ass. But there’s no one like him. Dad told me once that there could be others, that there wasn’t just one person. That we had a choice. I think I’ve made mine, though. If he’ll have me. Do you think he’ll have me? I’m not perfect. I make mistakes.” I shrugged awkwardly. “He sees through that, though. I exasperate him, I annoy him, and he scowls at me like he wants to punch my fucking teeth down my throat. And it all goes away when he says thump, thump, thump. Because he hears my heart and it anchors him. How can I say no to that? Who cares if he’s a man or a woman or somewhere in between? It doesn’t matter. All I care about is that he sees me. Like, really sees me. And I see him.”
I looked at my brothers.
They were gaping at me.
“What?” I said, suddenly self-conscious. I rubbed the back of my neck as my face grew hot.
“Holy shit,” Kelly breathed.
“You love him,” Joe whispered.
I glared at them. “I do not. Shut up.”
“No,” Kelly said, voice growing louder. “You looooooove him.”
“Kelly, I will kick your fucking ass!”
Joe fluttered his eyelashes. “Ooh, Gavin. You made my cold, dead heterosexual heart burst with super gay life and now I can’t—oof!”
I tackled him. Hard. He was laughing, laughing, laughing, and Kelly pulled on my shoulders, trying to get me off Joe, but I was bigger than they were, and even though Joe probably could have knocked me into next week, he only screamed at me when I shoved dead leaves on his face. Kelly’s knees dug into my sides as I lifted my hands above my head and howled as loud as I could, a song of triumph.
Of brothers.
It echoed throughout the territory.
I collapsed to the ground as it faded. Kelly slid off me, lying on my left. Joe was on my right. I took their hands in mine, squeezing their fingers. Joe was panting, muttering death threats as he spat out bits of leaves. Kelly was chuckling and wiping his eyes.
“Thank you,” I told them, and they quieted. “I never would have made it this far without you.”
“Ditto,” Kelly said.
“Ditto twice,” Joe said.
And I smiled at the sky.
MOM AND MARK WERE SITTING on the porch when we came back, our arms wrapped around each other’s waists. Mark smiled his secret smile, arching an eyebrow. “All right?” he asked.
“All right,” Kelly said.
We stopped in front of them. Mom’s eyes were bright as she looked upon us.
I stepped forward, leaving Joe and Kelly standing where they were. I motioned for Mark to stand up. He did. I hugged him. He seemed surprised, but then his arms went around me. “What’s this for?” he asked, sounding amused.
“A reminder,” I whispered. “I don’t know what it feels like to lose a brother. And I hope I never have to find out. But I can imagine it. It scares the shit out of me. He loved you, you know that, right? Even when he was breaking your heart, even when you hated him for all that he’d done, he loved you.”
Mark clutched me tighter. He nodded against my head. “I know.”
“We’re not him. We never can be. But we’re here. Remember that.”
He said, “He would be proud of you. All of you.” He pulled away. His eyes were wet, but he was still smiling. “Thank you, Carter.”
“My boys,” Mom said. “My beautiful boys.”
We sat near her feet. I laid my head against her knee as Mark sat back down next to her. I tilted my head back to look up at my mother. She ran her fingers through my hair. She said, “You seem lighter. Happier.”
I took in a deep breath and let it out slow. “I am.”
“Good,” she said.
And it was.
THE OTHERS CAME OUT ONTO THE PORCH. Gordo grunted when he saw us. He sat down next to Mark and kissed him on the cheek.
Jessie and Dominique were next, hands clasped