his truth while the rest of us hadn’t dared.
Kelly said, “Me too.”
I said, “Me three.”
They laughed.
“But we can’t change that,” Joe said, and though he was still blue, there was green relief mixed in, as if he’d revealed a great secret. Finally. At last. “This is who we are. This is who we’re supposed to be.”
We were quiet for a time, each of us lost in our own thoughts. I was cold, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t want to move. Moving meant breaking apart, pushing them away. I wanted to stay in this moment for as long as we could.
It was Kelly who filled the quiet. He said, “Dad loved us.”
“He did,” Joe said. “With his whole heart.”
“I still get mad at him,” Kelly said. “For all the secrets he kept. But if Joe is right and it’s like being on an island, it makes sense. He must have been lonely. Even with all of us.” Then, “The letter.”
“What letter?” I asked.
“The one he wrote for Robbie without knowing who Robbie was.”
“Oh,” I said. He’d told me about it before, but I hadn’t read it. It wasn’t for me.
“Ox got one,” Joe said.
“Did you read it?” Kelly asked.
He shook his head. “No. Ox offered, but I wasn’t ready. It still hurt too much.” He turned over, his chin right below my rib cage. I lifted my head and looked into his blue eyes. “There’s one for Gavin.”
“That’s not….” What. Right? True? Real? It was. Of course it was. No matter what happened between us, the letter was meant for him. There wouldn’t be anyone else. “Yeah. I guess there would be.”
“It helped me to understand him better,” Kelly said. “What he was thinking, why he did some of the things he did. But you know what I got from it the most?”
“What?” Joe asked.
“That he loved us. Maybe more than anything in the world. He wasn’t perfect. Far from it. But he tried as hard as he could.” He sighed. “He reminds me of Carter that way.”
I couldn’t speak.
“Yeah,” Joe said. “He was like Carter, wasn’t he?”
I closed my eyes.
“We’ll get through this,” Joe said, and I heard a bird singing somewhere in the trees. “We’ll figure it out. We have to. Everyone is counting on us.” I heard him smiling when he said, “And Carter’s gotta get his act together. Make a man out of Gavin.”
My eyes flashed open. “What?”
Joe and Kelly cackled.
“No. Seriously. What?” I sat up, shoving them off me. Kelly rolled on the ground, his hands pressed against his middle. Joe was shaking his head, lips pulled back over his teeth as he bellowed out his laughter. “Guys. Listen to me. What… what do I do with a penis? I mean, how does that work? Am I a power top? And what the hell is a power top and how do I know that?”
“Oh my god,” Kelly groaned. “No. We are not having this conversation.”
“Does getting fucked hurt?” I wondered aloud. “I’ve never thought about it. I’ve never even considered it. How do I do that? Lube, I guess. That makes sense. Can I borrow some lube?”
Joe grimaced. “Dude. Not cool. You never touch another man’s lube. Get your own!”
“I can’t. I’m the mayor! Everyone will know what I’m using it for!”
“Jesus Christ,” Kelly said. “Let’s go back to being sad and talking about feelings and shit.”
I grinned at them. “You would think for two guys who’ve chowed down on some cock, you’d be used to talking about it.”
“Chowed down?” Kelly said incredulously. “Poor Gavin. Oh man. Someone needs to warn him that he’s in for a world of hurt.”
“Maybe he’ll like it. Maybe he’s a pain slut who—wow. That escalated quickly. I take that back.”
Joe looked at me, his expression softening. “You don’t seem to be too hung up on that whole thing.”
“What whole thing?” I asked, pinching Kelly’s side. He squawked angrily, batting my hand away.
Joe shrugged. “That Gavin’s a guy. That your mate is… you know.”
I sighed. “Your gayness is contagious.”
He snorted. “That must be it. Seriously, though. It doesn’t bother you?”
I squinted at him. “Why would it?”
“You’ve only ever had sex with women.”
“A lot of it too,” I said, puffing out my chest. They weren’t impressed. I deflated slightly. “Shit like that doesn’t matter to me. So I’m bisexual. Or I’m pansexual. Or some other kind of sexual.”
“Gavin-sexual,” Kelly said.
I rolled my eyes. “Who cares, right? I mean, it’s sort of fitting, you know? And even if there wasn’t this thing