said it’s dirt and leaves and rain for Gordo. Joe says it’s candy canes and pinecones. Epic and awesome. I don’t know what that means.”
“No one does. It’s just—”
“And Ox told me Joe smells like lightning.”
“You asked him?”
He squinted at me. “I didn’t know. So I asked. That’s how you find out what you don’t know.”
“You can’t just go around asking people what others smell like.”
“You can,” he said. “I did. It’s not hard. They have that. You think we have that. What do I smell like to you?”
I was cornered. I thought about leaving. Going downstairs. Getting away from him. From this.
I didn’t.
I said, “One of the first memories I have is being in the forest with my dad. Deep in the forest. I was on his shoulders. His hands were wrapped around my calves. I was… two? I think. I don’t remember what he was talking about. I just remember what the trees smelled like. How old it was. How much bigger it was than me. I felt… small. But safe. I was with my dad. And I knew nothing could ever hurt me.”
He arched an eyebrow. “I smell like you sitting on your dad?”
I groaned. “No. Christ, that’s not what I’m—it was the forest, okay? I was happy. Above all else, I remember being happy. My dad was smiling and laughing, and the forest just felt so… alive. So green.”
“Green is relief.”
“Yeah. But that’s not all. It’s more than that. Grander. It’s strong. And all-encompassing. There’s nothing like it in all the world.” I couldn’t look at him. It was too much.
“That’s what I smell like?”
I nodded.
“Oh,” he said. “Okay.”
And then he climbed up onto the bed and slid over close to the wall. He pulled the covers back and then over him, laying his head on the pillow. He rested his hands on his chest as he stared at the ceiling.
“What are you doing?”
“Sleeping,” he said. “It’s what beds are for.”
I almost said not always, but managed to avoid it by the skin of my teeth. “You’re not going to shift?”
“Nope.”
“O… kay.”
“Problem?”
“No,” I said hastily. “No problem.”
“You sound like a problem. Thump, thump, thump. Fast.”
I pressed my hands against my chest as if that could block the sound. “You don’t always have to listen to my heart.”
“Loud,” he grumbled. “Never goes away.”
I was a Bennett. A second to a powerful Alpha. I wasn’t as big as I used to be, but I was still strong. I could do this. I stood from the desk. I walked over to the light switch, flipped it off. The only light came from my phone charging on the desk and the remains of the moon through the window.
And Gavin’s eyes, glittering in the dark, watching every step I took toward the bed.
I didn’t allow myself to think as I lay down beside him. He yelped when my feet brushed against his legs. “Cold,” he said. “Stupid Carter.”
“Yeah, yeah. Move over.”
“I need room.”
“Not that much—are you laughing at me?”
“Yes. You’re so weird.”
“Fuck you.”
He yawned. “Maybe later.”
“What?”
“Shh. Sleeping.” But then he rolled over on his side, facing me. I tried not to look at him, but I was helpless not to. His face was inches from mine. His breath smelled like my toothpaste. Which meant he probably had used my toothbrush again, the fucking monster. “Hey.”
I rolled my eyes. “Hey.”
“Gordo told me about stuff.”
“At the park?”
He nodded. “Said it was okay if I hated him. Because of what his mom did to my mom.”
“Do you?”
He paused, considering. Then, “No. His mom hurt by Livingstone. In her head. I know what that feels like. In my head too.”
Shards of ice embedded into my skin. “Is it… loud, still?”
“Sometimes.”
“You can’t listen to it.”
“I know.”
“You stay here. You stay here with me.”
“With you,” he whispered. He reached up and poked my cheek. My forehead. The tip of my nose. “I found you. You found me. We find each other.” He said, “I was little. Human. Thomas came. Big man. Biggest man. He said hullo Gavin. My name is Thomas. And I have something to tell you. I listened. I believed him. He said find me, Gavin. If you ever need me. Find me. I asked him why. Why I was here. Why I couldn’t go with him. He said I have to be safe. That it was better for me to be safe. I yelled at him. He said hush, Gavin, it’s okay. You’re okay. I promise. I didn’t believe him. He said he had