lip, trying to think of what to say.
“I want to see you. Let’s switch to a video call.”
“No—”
I press the camera button without waiting for her to respond.
She answers, but all I can see is her shadow in a dark room.
“Turn on the light.”
“No. I sleep with this mask thing and I look like an alien. I only answered to be polite. But you look…nice.” She says and I smile.
“I bet you do, too. Turn the light on, ET.” I quip.
She laughs. It’s the most carefree sound I’ve heard from her in so long, I almost groan from how good it feels to know we’re not as far apart from each other as we were just a few hours ago.
“Trust me, Carter, I am not fit for public consumption.” She says, and damn I wish I could reach through the phone and turn the light on.
“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t make myself clear. I just want to see you. The next time I eat you, it’ll be in private.”
She sputters a scandalized laugh.
“Oh my God…don’t talk like that!”
“Why not? Didn’t you like it when I ate your pussy?” I drawl and she gasps.
“Carter… please. I mean it. I can’t. ” There’s censure and pleading in her tone. “I came to find you today because I hate the idea of you being here, and us avoiding each other. Also, I’m in love with your music. I’ve been listening to it on YouTube. ”
My heart jumps at the way she almost groans the word love, like she’s in ecstasy.
“Maybe it’s selfish of me to ask you this. And if you really don’t want to, fine. But, I like talking to you. It’s easy. I don’t have that with anyone right now except from my friend Dina.”
I remember how alone she’d been, even surrounded by people at her brother’s funeral and it tugs at me now the way it did then.
“I like talking to you, too. I could do it all night. I wish we were talking in person.”
“I’m glad we’re not. Things in my life are…not settled. I need to figure them out. So…”
I brace myself for what’s coming.
“I think we should just be friends. What happened in the library. We can’t do that again. ” She says in a heavy, slow tone that’s full of reluctance that makes her decision harder to swallow.
“Well, I think that’s a terrible idea.” I say, but laugh to cover how fucking serious I am.
She’s silent.
I feel like an ass because I can hear her struggling to let me down easy.
I should tell her it’s okay.
It should be okay.
My life isn’t exactly calm either. But if she was willing, I wouldn’t let that stop me. I guess this is better than acrimony.
“Okay. Friends.” I sound like a kid who’s just agreed to eat his vegetables and she laughs.
“Is it so bad to just be my friend?” She sounds like she’s cringing as she waits for my answer.
Very, very bad.
“No, even though you’re terrible, I like you,” I say instead.
She lets out an audible sigh of relief.
“Thank you. I’m so glad you understand.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth. I don’t understand shit. I’m only saying yes because of the piano,” I say with a levity I don’t feel.
She giggles.
I’m glad one of us isn’t miserable.
“So, when do you want to come use it?” She asks hopefully.
“I’m flexible. Why don’t you just text me whenever you’re up for it, and I’ll come by.” I’m noncommittal. I’ve had enough rejection for one day. I’d like to end it on a happy note.
“Okay, I’ll text you as soon as I’m ready,” she says just as vaguely.
We say goodnight and I save her number before I lay down again.
I feel less settled than I have been all day.
What the fuck am I going to do? I don’t want to be her friend. But her break up is recent, I guess jumping into something else right away doesn’t feel right.
But we feel right. Maybe spending time together will show her that in a way my words can’t.
Then I remember her saying something about me using the piano while she was at work. I shouldn’t have been so damn noncommittal when she asked. Now, I have to wait for her to call.
I’m just lying back down when my phone buzzes with a text. Queen Beth flashes and a selfie we took on my phone the first night we met pops up. I pick up the phone and my feet hit the floor before I