want to cry. But there’s no point.
“I’ve made my choice and I’m sick of having to defend it.”
“It’s a fucking stupid choice.”
I pull out of her hug and cast a sullen sidelong glance in her direction. Her expression is unrepentant and defiant.
“I know you think you’re helping me, but you’re being an asshole,”I say petulantly.
“Telling you the truth doesn’t make me an asshole. No, the asshole here is the person who’s looking her friend dead in the face and lying.”
Her words are like a splash of water in my eyes. I’m disconcerted by her naked, but absolutely understandable, ire.
She downs what’s left of her drink and puts the glass down with a thud.
“Let’s go.”
She doesn’t wait for me to respond before she stands and starts toward the entrance.
I grab my purse and follow her out.
She’s never been anything even close to annoyed with me before.
I’m desperate to tell her that I’m terrified I’ve made huge, irrevocable mistakes and I have no idea how to fix them.
That underneath the fancy clothes and the stupid smile I’m always wearing, I’m just a coward with a capacity for compartmentalizing that scares me.
My chest heaves with the effort of not baring my soul to her.
But I can’t. I don’t know that she won’t tell anyone. Not maliciously, but that kind of secret, when it’s not your own, is almost impossible to keep.
The silence between us is oppressive as we stop of pull our shoes off and then pad through the muddy field back the way we came.
Once we’re in the car, the tension takes up so much room, that it feels too small for both of us. Unable to bear it any longer, I try to straddle the yawning chasm that’s formed between us.
“Dina, it’s not you.”
She laughs and it’s a shrill sound that should never come from the throat of this loving, happy person.
“It doesn’t matter, Liz. I understand. I’m not mad. I just…want to get home.”
My emotions are swinging like the rudderless pendulum of a broken clock between sadness and panic. I can’t lose this relationship, too. I can’t tell her the whole truth, but I can tell her some of it.
I lick my dry lips and clear my throat.
“When we met last summer, we kissed. Me and Carter.” I brace for her reaction.
It’s instantaneous and strangely enough, tinged with relief.
She shoves me, this time playfully, lovingly and I feel a surge of relief too.
“I knew I saw something between you two! You better tell me every single freaking word.” She shrieks and practically bounces out of her seat.
“It was so random. And unexpected,” I say with as much of a nonchalant shrug as I can.
And just right.
I thought he was the one.
I can still feel his kiss.
“When? How could you not tell me?” She howls like she’s in pain. Her eyes are comically wide with wonder and her grin…well, I can only describe it as hungry.
I swallow the ball of nerves that’s formed in my throat and push past my instinct to clam up and just spill.
“I don’t know… it was perfect. And God, D…he’s so gorgeous. He—” my breath hitches around the memory and I close my eyes briefly.
“Oh my God. Liz…you should see your face.”
My eyes pop open.
“Why, what’s wrong with it?”
“You look how I feel when I get to eat a slice of that frozen banana pie on my cheat day.”
I know that face. It’s one of pure satisfaction and bliss.
“That’s how it felt. He’s… Oh, God. I don’t know.” I frown miserably.
She groans and sags in her seat, in an exaggerated swoon. “You don’t even have to tell me…it was amazing, right?”
I sigh in relief at being able to talk about this with someone. “Yes. Yes it was. And so was he…it was just the best few days of my life.” I look at her, my eyes heavy with sadness. She covers my hand with hers and squeezes it.
“So…what happened? How did you end with Duke?“ she asks after a minute of us both being lost in our thoughts. I blink away.
“Life. He went back to his life. James died. And everything changed.”
“Well I’m tempted if you’re not. He’s hot.”
“You’re married.”
“I’m still a woman. Plus, he’s like mega-talented. His whole family’s a big deal. And his brother is hot, too. In a different way than Carter--- he’s got this whole asshole who’s unattainable thing going…ugh.” She bites her lip and throws her head back.
“You watch his show?”
“Of course, but I watch reality TV as part of my