the time between when I left the Zavarians, and started divinity school, I did some bad things…”
“Okay. What things?” Fear rippled through her spine for the first time. Weariness tinged her voice. Then she shook it off. She wasn’t wrong about Jim. He was no creep or pervert. He wasn’t Jimmy.
“I made a vow, once I chose my path, that I would never do those things again. I would be good and decent like the Zavarians and my professor. Like a pastor should be. Not what I was in the past. I failed once, but I knew I could be better than that. I invested myself into becoming the best version I could be. I studied hard and earned the best grades and nearly perfect scores. I took a vow of chastity until I was married. I chose to concentrate on reading, studying, and committing myself to my calling with everything I had. I saw my goal as my redemption. I wanted to erase where I came from, who I used to be, and the toxic stew that flowed in my blood.”
Nothing like that. Nothing of Jimmy flowed through Jim’s blood. Kayla bit her lip to keep quiet and give him the time and space he needed to get through this.
“I concentrated on studying and I only did that. I engaged in long discussions with fellow students and went to all kinds of conferences to collect all the different perspectives that I possibly could. There are so many interpretations of Christianity and so many ways for people to worship. My path was as far from my father’s as I could find. But that was all I did. I worked when I needed to, but mostly I just studied and learned and practiced. I went to different churches to study under new spiritual leaders and attend their services. I befriended dozens of church leaders to whom I asked my endless questions and later discussed them. I emulated some of them and tried not to be like others. I created my vocation by seeking to be the best. In that quest, I managed to find peace. I found a sense of belonging and decency. It has become the most magnificent highlight of my entire life.”
Oh, no. And then Jim started having sex with her. She shuddered at the thought of what she misunderstood, and all the reasons she thought that turned out to be so wrong.
“Then I met Kathy. She was a woman I believed I could control myself with. Not be the real me. The Jim I used to be. I was good with her too. I didn’t do anything but what I promised myself. We were prepared to wait until after our marriage. Only then would it be right and appropriate. Sometimes, kissing her aroused me and I’d just stop her. She never complained. We smiled and talked and moved on and everything was okay.”
“And then I entered your life.”
“I could never stop once I started with you. From that first touch of your lips on mine. It felt like it used to.”
Kayla didn’t like the sound of that. “What did it used to feel like, Jim? What do you keep avoiding and trying so hard not to tell me about?”
His face streaked with shame and he blushed. “I had sex. Lots of indiscriminate sex during that time. I had promiscuous, bad sex. The kind like—”
“You did not have sex like Jimmy. I know you didn’t. Don’t even say that.”
“NO!” He jerked as if she just punched him. “No, of course not. But it was the wrong kind. Like what Jimmy did with the women… And sometimes with more than one partner. I knew how wrong it was but I just did it.”
“Jim, so did I. I’ve had so many one-night stands. I did a threesome. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t make you bad or dirty or anything like Jimmy. I think it’s normal to experience as much as you can in your youth and all that. I think you longed for a human connection and didn’t know where to find it. After the Zavarians rejected you, how could you know how to deal with that? In a healthy, good way?”
“You don’t understand… my father, with whom I share the blood in my veins, has the blood of a pedophile. Do you understand that? A felon. A criminal of the worst kind. How can I…” He rubbed his temple. “You can’t convince me to believe his rotten core isn’t