past him and started down the aisle but he took several huge steps to catch her by grabbing her sleeve.
“Hey. Wait a minute. I didn’t mean anything.”
“You never do, but that doesn’t stop the impact of your message. I just thought seeing a friendly face who didn’t expect you to make sense of the impossible could relieve some of the pressure you’re under. Not to make fuck-me eyes at you. Or to distract you. Or God forbid. Give the slightest hint to anyone that you know me.”
She was hurt. Jim rubbed his knuckles in his eye sockets, under his glasses. He wished she’d refrain from swearing here, in the church, of all places. But she was too peeved at him to notice. “I don’t think you’ll distract me—”
“Oh, duh, believe me, I know. Nothing distracts you.”
She was really upset. Tears rimmed her eyes. Totally flabbergasted at her distraught reaction for his mild rebuff to her suggestion, he wondered what he did wrong. “I can get distracted…”
“Not by me. Not by the stuff that’s really important to you.” She sneered and curled her lip up unattractively.
“That’s not true at all.”
Jerking her arms from his grasp, she snapped, “You just want to have sex but pretend you don’t.” She sneered again. “Taking you away from your real calling, or just being in the same room—”
“You think you don’t have any effect on me and I just want sex? Are you kidding? You are the only thing that distracts me from everything else. Absolutely everything.”
Her eyelids blinked fast and her tears ceased. He let out a long sigh. “Kayla, I’m not sure I could have entered this room alone, if you weren’t with me. Like this. You are…”
“Then why not invite me here as a friendly face? You know I like your sermons. Now I can’t listen to them anymore because you decided you’d rather have sex with me?”
His lips twitched. “I didn’t decide anything. It was destined to be. But it’s not just that. And the only reason I ask you not to come is because I can’t concentrate as much as I need to. Especially this first time. After that violent event until now. If I look at you, which I know I will, I fear…” He fidgeted with his hair. “I don’t even know how to explain it. I know I won’t be able to concentrate if I look at you and you do something totally innocent, like smiling sweetly or tugging at your hair.”
He grasped the strand that usually dipped in front of her ear, which she was always putting back. Especially if she were agitated. Like right now. “I’ll forget what I want to say. My thoughts will be thoroughly distracted by you. But in a new way for me. Can you give me a little more time? I’m still working out how to handle it. But right now? Anyone who saw me with you could guess exactly how I feel about you.”
She swayed towards him, but only a little. Her gaze squinted with suspicion. “What? What do you feel?”
“Crazy things I’ve never felt before. It’s not easy to explain when even I don’t get it.”
“So hiding it keeps you from trying to figure it out?”
“No. It keeps me from making a fool of myself in front of a whole bunch of people. I see you and…”
“You picture all the hot sex we have?”
He smiled. “No. I do that when I’m alone. In front of others, I’ll just… I won’t be able to take my eyes off you.”
Crossing her arms over her stomach, she tapped her foot. “You’re so full of shit. I don’t believe it. Not really. You concentrate on your sermons like no one I know. And public speaking is pretty much your thing. You’re much better addressing a hundred people than talking one on one, like you do to me.”
He winced. “Wow, yeah, that’s probably true. Not easy to hear.” Leaning forward, he tugged on her wrists and drew her towards him. She came, still scowling at him. “I am the worst man when it comes to intimacy. I don’t know what to do at all. You’re seeing that now and I’m sorry. Kathy never had to endure it from me. You do. I just don’t know how… I never experienced it before. I’m good in a crowd. Especially one that is based on faith. I studied it for years until I mastered it. I do it without even thinking. It evokes lots of emotions,