all around me.
“That’s exactly why this doesn’t work, Avery. I’m not that guy. I never have been, and you look at me like your world is somehow complete because I’m in it. I’m done being what everyone wants me to be, Avery. That part of my life is over!”
His words were like bricks, each chipping away pieces of my heart. I looked at him though my tears, “I never asked you to be anything but who you are. All I wanted was to be there for you, to help you...”
“I don’t need your help, Avery. I’m not this wounded soul you’ve made me out to be. I’m just a guy in college who likes to have fun and isn’t interested in being tied down right now.”
“You said I could trust you! That I was special. I thought you cared about me. My God, Jake, you pursued me!” I continued to stare at him, searching his eyes for any remaining feeling that might be there, but there was nothing.
“You were special, Avery,” he said exasperated. He let go of my arms and ran his hands through his hair as if remembering. “You were this shy and innocent girl who charmed me with her wit. You were strong on the outside, but so soft and caring on the inside that I found you irresistible.”
“Jake, I’m still that person,” I said whispering, trying to convince not only him but also myself that it was true.
“Something’s different, Avery, maybe its you, maybe its me…”
I willed my ears to stop working, knowing his next words before he said them.
“…but I just don’t see that girl anymore.”
That was it, the final blow. The crushing brick that you don’t recover from. I looked up at him, this man who held my heart, who I unashamedly gave everything to, and saw him for the first time. I wanted to vomit, to tear every inch of skin off my body. Anything that would replace the crushing pain that had taken over my heart.
I didn’t remember walking to my car or driving home. I existed in a daze, going through motions without registering them in my brain. I didn’t remember walking across campus, but somehow here I was, standing in the quad. I closed my eyes, trying to get my mind to start working, to process what was going around me, but the only thing I could feel was the hurt.
My heart pulsated in my chest, straining to sustain its normal function. Nothing made sense; nothing was in focus. I sat down, hoping to somehow end the crushing pain consuming my heart. I didn’t know who I was anymore. Everything I once valued and held true, I had discarded without any regard for the consequences.
I could sense people around me, some even staring in my direction as I sat frozen to the bench I was sitting on, but I didn’t care.
I could feel the numbness stretch over my shaking body, leaving me cold and empty, but my mind wouldn’t stop. Thoughts of him were frozen in permanent rewind, reminding me over and over again of how much I had failed.
There was music playing around me, and I tried to get my ears to focus on it, to hear anything that might help me stay above the gripping, smothering nothingness that was everywhere around me. How did I get to this point? How did I let the chains gets so tight that they were crippling every part of my body, dragging me further and further into this pit?
I could hear the screaming in my head, begging me to let the noise out, but I just sat there, unable to move, trapped in a silent prison of my own making. The truth glared at me, mocking me for denying it for so long. I was living a lie, existing in a shell of self-delusion. I had become nothing…and he knew it.
The air was getting thicker, and I felt the heaviness start to choke me. Just breathe…in and out…just breathe, I begged myself, trying unsuccessfully to gain some control. The tears were fire racing down my cheeks, provoking me with each drop. I sat, gripping the bench until my knuckles were white. Come on, Avery…just breathe.
I felt the bench shift slightly and a warm hand covered mine. Looking up through my tears, I saw warmth and compassion in the eyes of a stranger.
Finally, I could focus and even hear what was going on around me. I was in the middle of some outdoor