beyond what she can bear, but when she is tempted, I pray that you will provide a way out so that she can stand up under it…”
20. GUILT
It was four days later when we got the call that Issy had woken up. Jake had faithfully come over every night around midnight and stayed on the couch until I left for my run in the morning. Neither one of us went near Issy’s room as we waited and hoped we’d hear something soon.
Earlier that night, Parker and I had gone out to dinner and a movie to enjoy our last night of freedom, and while it felt good and normal to be there, I found myself thinking about Jake and wondering if he was going to come by again tonight.
“Is everything ok?” Parker asked as he was driving me home. It was a question that came regularly now, as he could sense I was pulling away from him.
“Yeah, fine. Why?” I asked squeezing his hand and offering him a smile.
He smiled back, but was uneasy. “I just can tell something is up with you. Any word from Issy’s dad?”
I let out a long sigh and shook my head. The waiting was unbearable. To make matters worse, I had done some research on comas and learned that after so many days, the chance of the patient recovering was slim to none. Issy was at the halfway point.
Parker squeezed my hand back, trying to reassure me and then thankfully changed the subject. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” he asked brightly, knowing full well I wasn’t.
“Yeah, I guess so. I’m supposed to be in the lab at ten to meet with Russell and get the plan for his final phase of work. Just the thought of the lab makes me want to scream. Worse, I have Thermo at noon and Dynamics at two. My Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are going to stink!” I whined as I laid my head back on the headrest in his car.
Parker let out a chuckle and then shot me a warm smile. “Let’s meet in the quad after class. I want to hear all about it.”
I turned to him, feeling guilty for the millionth time that night. I hadn’t told him Jake had been staying over even though Issy was no longer around. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t a lie if he didn’t ask. “What about you?”
“I’ve got three booked back to back starting at nine. I like to get them out of the way early.”
“Wow, 9:00 a.m., me and that class would not do so well,” I teased, knowing full well that running was the only thing I was willing to wake up early for.
He smiled again, but didn’t say anything. We sat in the uncomfortable silence that seemed to hound us a lot the last couple of days until he finally pulled into my parking lot.
“You don’t have to walk me up,” I insisted as I leaned over to give him a kiss goodnight.
“Avery, you know I’m going to,” he replied as he put the car in park.
We both got out and he wrapped his arm around me as we went up the stairs. I put mine around his waist, but again it felt forced, almost unnatural. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I was all of a sudden so distant from him. We stopped at the door and he pulled me to him, looking deep in my eyes, searching me. I felt embarrassed and guilty, and could hardly stand to look at him.
“You have to talk to me, baby. I can feel you slipping away and I don’t know how to stop it.” He seemed sad as he held my face in his hands, desperately trying to get me to open up to him.
“I’m not,” I tried to assure him and leaned in to give him a quick kiss. He tightened his grip and kissed me passionately, trying to evoke any emotion he could from me. I did my best to respond equally, but it was no use. He knew me too well, and slowly let me go, resting his head on mine for just a moment before he said goodbye. I could feel my heart cry as he walked down the steps, but I felt helpless as to how to close the gap that seemed to grow wider each day between us.
I walked into the apartment and to my surprise Jake was already there, working on his laptop at the