you for meeting me today on such short notice.”
She’s wearing simple skinny pants, covered with knee-high boots, and a pale pink sweater. She looks elegant, and fashionably dressed for a woman in her mid-40’s if I remember correctly. The pink makes her look soft and fragile against her shoulder length dirty blonde hair. The forced smile she gives me doesn’t reach her eyes.
“I have waited a very long time to be able to speak with you. I can’t think of any place I could be that is more important than this.” Her words caress me like a gentle wave. I’m startled when she sounds like my own mother does when I need comfort.
“Yes, well….” Natalie sits in her chair, cautious eyes resting on me, as if trying to gauge whether or not I will start screaming at her.
“I forgive you.” I blurt it out and I’m so taken aback by own bluntness I look away from her. I take another sip to help calm my nerves. It doesn’t help. I’m two seconds away from being a complete wreck. All I can hear is the sound of thunder pounding in my ears. And then I realize it’s the sound of my heart beating wildly out of control.
“I don’t deserve it, Nicole. And neither does Sarah.” My head snaps back to her. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. I slowly raise my gaze to hers and watch her eyes fill with tears.
“Sarah ruined so many families that day, Nicole. You most of all, obviously. So many people’s lives were damaged by Sarah’s poor choices and my lies afterwards. Your entire family, your husband’s family, all of your friends, your child’s classmates and friends, my family’s life….the list goes on. I have asked God to forgive me every day since the accident and hope that he wouldn’t hold my sins and mistakes against me, but I have never expected or felt like I deserved yours.” She wipes her tears away before continuing.
“Sarah walked away with a bandage over her head, and your family didn’t. There isn’t a single thing we could ever do or say to you that could ever begin to express how terribly sorry we are.”
I wipe my own tears away, silently sobbing, no longer caring I’m in a public place. I knew meeting her, talking to her, would be painful. I knew it would hurt and bring back memories I will never forget.
What I didn’t expect was that my heart would feel like it’s being shattered all over again. I don’t know how to proceed. I’ve told her I forgive her; she’s acknowledged what they did. We sit in silence, except for our own sniffles, lost in our thoughts for several moments before I can speak again.
“I no longer want to be the person who I’ve been this last year who lives in such sorrow and feeling so pitied at what I had taken from me. You may not deserve my forgiveness, Natalie. But I’m giving it to you freely. I want you to let Sarah know that hers is given just as freely as well. As upset as I am, as much as it still hurts; I know in my head it was an accident. A careless mistake made by a child. This forgiveness is for my sake, as much as I’m hoping it is for you as well.”
I don’t know why, but I feel she needs to know this, that Sarah needs to know. I can practically feel her own torment as she looks at me. I may have had the sorrow of losing my family, but she’s the mom of the daughter who carries the weight of being the person to cause it. I want to hate this woman before me. I want to hate her daughter. But as I look at her, I realize I don’t. No matter how angry I’ve been, and I’ve been furious beyond belief; I don’t hate them.
“How’s Sarah doing?” I don’t even know why I care, but I do. She’s only seventeen, a child, really. Too young to understand what she’s really done.
Natalie shakes her head slowly. “Better, recently. We’re getting her help. I didn’t think she would do okay being here and seeing you.”
I nod in understanding.
“Can I ask how you’re doing?”
“I’m okay…doing better.” Because I am, or I was at least getting there. Lately I haven’t been so sure anymore.
“There’s something else I want to talk to you about.”
I eye her suspiciously. Whatever she has