to do with anything that brought me happiness. It seemed like a betrayal to them at the time. It didn’t seem right for me to continue living the way I used to, enjoying my hobbies and passions, while they were gone.
But tonight, however it came about, I wonder if I was wrong. In order to know for sure, I have to take this step. I have to do this. It’s just for one night, I remind myself as I follow Mia to a small bar height table. It’s right in the middle of the bar area, against a railing over-looking the small dance floor, and in the direct line of sight of the stage.
It’s our table.
I smile sheepishly at her as I sit down. She’s been patient enough for the last twenty minutes, regaling me with tales of her last trip out to Los Angeles for her position as a buyer with an up and coming and trendy department store, Callie’s, ever since she picked me up. But I know my time is running out and soon she’s going to want an answer.
Mia and I have been friends since middle school when my family moved in next door to hers. As movers were unloading our truck, she came running across our front lawn screaming as her brother, Elijah, chased her with a garter snake. She grabbed my arm and pulled me with her and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Tonight, though, my hands are sweating and I’m uncomfortable as I sit across from her at the same place where I worked in college and the same bar where we came at least once a month ever since graduation. Jack’s Bar holds a million memories for me, and while most of them are good, it also feels like the life of my past might come crashing down on me at any second.
I can do this. I have to do this. It’s just one night.
I repeat it over and over as a mantra to bring me peace and calmness but it doesn’t work. I’m five seconds away from bolting out the door and never coming back, and I would….except I know that if I can’t face Jack’s, I’m not sure I can face anything.
Mia continues to shoot me questioning glances as we order our food and first round of drinks, while my eyes dart around the dark and dingy bar that used to be our home away from home. Absolutely nothing has changed except the names of band posters lining the wall by the pool tables and the faces of the waitresses.
Once our beers arrive, I know I’ve run out of time. I set my drink on the table and take a deep breath.
“I’m really tired of being sad all the time. I wanted to come here tonight to try to remember….and maybe for one night, just have some fun for a change.”
Mia looks at me with a grin the size of Canada. She’s been trying to push me in this direction for months and I’ve stomped my foot and thrown my adult sized tantrums every step of the way. Heck, she’s the one who started forcing me to come out for these Wednesday night dinners in the first place when she walked into my old house and declared I’d spent enough time wallowing in yoga pants and old threadbare t-shirts.
“Also…” I clear my throat, unable to stop the nerves that assault my stomach. “I’m thinking….I don’t know, it’s time. To try really living or moving on. Or something.”
Inwardly, I cringe at my own awkwardness.
Mia regards me thoughtfully. She gazes at me full of compassion, but I know she’s trying to understand what I’m trying to say, since I obviously didn’t say it clearly enough. “It’s been over a year. You’ve moved into your own place. And you have your own business now.”
This is all true. And makes it sound like I have been living; moving on. But that’s not what I meant.
“I mean…..socially.” I hate the timidity in my voice and want to crawl under the table and hide. Or just run home and throw myself into my photography work. But that would still be hiding, which is exactly what I want to stop doing. I’m not even sure dating was on my mind earlier tonight as I was getting ready and thinking about the shell of a life I’ve been living, but I’d be lying if I say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind a few times over the last