was more to me than this sack of skin and bones. I was so much more and it took my brother lying on what could be his death bed for me to realize it.
The quiet slapping of rubber against concrete broke the wintry hush around me. Audrey approached in her unseasonal flip-flops and sat beside me on the curb. “Blake, I talked to them. They said—”
“I want you to leave,” I blurted out, hanging my head.
“No, you don’t.”
I sucked in a deep breath that I hoped would bring me clarity, but it didn’t. “Yes,” I nodded, “yes, I do.”
“You’re upset,” she stated.
“No fucking shit, Audrey!”
She laid a hand against my shoulder. “Oh, God, Blake, I’m not attacking you.”
I thrust my hands out against the backdrop of buildings and sky and shouted, “The whole fucking world is attacking me! This entire fucking universe has been attacking me since the day I ruined my brother’s life, and all I’ve ever wanted to do was keep him safe. That’s all I was ever supposed to do. That’s it! And the second I stop to be fucking selfish and live my fucking life for myself, this is what happens.”
“Blake, you have no idea what you’re saying.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, I know exactly what I’m saying!”
“No. You don’t,” she stated firmly, leaving her hand on my arm. “Why don’t we go back inside? I talked to them; they understand. You can come back in and see Jake, but I need you to calm down, okay? Please, just try to calm down.”
I shook my head with such a bitter taste in my mouth, I spat bile onto the sidewalk. The world around me felt weird. Unreal and cruel and nearly post-apocalyptic. I looked at the sky through a bleary haze of existential rage and silently asked what the fuck Jake had ever done to deserve this shitty hand he’d been dealt. What the fuck did he do? What the fuck did he ever do to deserve a brother who stole from him, a mother who denied him normalcy, and a father who had turned a blind eye? What the fuck could he have possibly done?
Audrey stood, wrapped her hands around my arm and tugged. “Come on, Blake. Come with me.”
Slowly, I shook my head, turning from the sky to look at her and catching a glimpse of that goddamn motherfucking tattoo on her chest. And suddenly, it was so clear, so transparent, and I lifted a finger to touch it. The delicate structure of her sternum was ungiving beneath my touch.
“It all started with this,” I said to nobody, then I looked at her. “You never knew how to leave me the fuck alone.”
“Blake, let’s—”
“You could never just leave me the fuck alone! You’ve always been following me, hounding me, refusing to fucking leave, until I finally give in, and what happens? Everything goes completely to hell!”
She finally let go. “What?”
“Just leave me the fuck alone, Audrey!”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because I’m fucking begging you to,” I pleaded through gritted teeth. “I need you to go the fuck away and leave me the fuck alone.”
Swallowing, she slowly nodded. “I’ll leave,” she whispered, cautiously relenting. “But I’m not gone, Blake. Do you understand? I’m not out of your life, I’m just going home.”
Home.
I wanted to be home. I wanted to be in my bed and in her arms. I wanted my shoes and blanket, all my things and my tea. I wanted sleep, and above everything else, I wanted my brother. I wanted his music on my stereo. I wanted his movies playing on the TV, Legos all over the living room floor, and pancakes every fucking night for dinner. I wanted his stupid fucking dog shedding all over my house, drooling on the couch, and getting his food on the kitchen floor. And at the thought of Mickey, my hand drooped to my side, scraping my knuckles against the concrete.
“Where’s Mickey?” I spoke, my voice rough and broken.
Audrey sank to her knees in front of me. “Mickey died, Blake.”
I shook my head furiously. “You don’t know that.”
But she nodded and reached out with a trembling hand. Her palm grazed my cheek, her fingers aimed for my hair. “Your dad told me.”
A sob broke through my lips as I continued to shake my head. “Fuck,” I blubbered. “He loves that fucking dog.”
“I know ... I know,” she whispered, collecting me in her arms.
She stroked her fingers through my hair and listened to me cry and wail. She coddled