knock on Alexa’s door, tuck my hands in my front pockets, and wait. I knock again after a few seconds and wait. I know she’s there, she’s in her room, the light is on. I wait another second before I turn and start to walk away.
“Landon?” Alexa says stopping me.
I turn, her face is blotchy and tear-stained. I walk right up to her and wrap my arms around her not caring if she tries to hit me again. She needs this hug just as much as I do.
“I’m sorry,” I say. I don’t know if she heard me over her sobbing but I’ll say it a million times if I have to.
“Landon,” she says with a shudder. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to stop this shit that you’re doing. I want you to be my Landon who always makes me laugh, the Landon who always knew how to draw a crowd and make himself look like a fool but yet had every girl after him. I want the Landon who never took anything serious. I just want you back. I need you, Landon. My life is so fucked up and nothing makes me even crack a smile because I know Steven isn’t here to make that happen.” She rests her head on my chest with her arms wrapped around me. “You’re the only other one who makes me forget what happened.”
“Alexa,” I close my eyes briefly. “I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to cause the accident. If I could change places with Steven I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. He deserves to be here, not me.”
Alexa shoves me away. “Landon,” she yells. “Do not say that. You do deserve to be here and so does he but he’s not. You. Are. Start living your life. It’s what he would want.”
I shake my head, she’s wrong I don’t deserve to be here. “I miss him.”
She gives me a sad smiles and tears fall from her eyes. “Me too, Landon. Me too.”
I reach over and wipe the tears from Alexa’s eyes and then cup her face. “I’m sorry for not being there for you. I thought you hated me and thought it was best to just stay away.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t hate you. I could never.”
I smile. “It’s okay if you do.”
She gives me that look and I shut up.
“Fix yourself, Landon. There are a lot of people who need you. People you don’t even realize because you’ve pushed them away.”
She’s talking about Macy. And herself.
“It’s not going to be easy.”
“It never is.”
And she’s right. Nothing is ever easy in life. You either take it on head-first or you’ll never survive and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m barely surviving. I’m walking that fine line between merely existing and total self-destruction.
Chapter Eight
December 8, 2013
Macy
I promised Jackie that I would stop over today so that’s where I’m on my way too. It snowed last night but not enough that it would stop me from walking over there. I’m never breaking a promise ever again.
Jackie is standing at the kitchen table, she’s elbow deep in cookie dough. I waste no time at all, quickly taking my jacket, gloves, and shoes off. The shoes are one of Jackie’s pet peeves. If your shoes were wet, you better damn sure leave them at the door. I can still hear her yelling at all of us, including Steven’s brothers, when we would come in from playing out in the snow.
“Morning, Macy,” she greets me with a smile.
“Morning,” I shuffle toward the table. “Need some help?”
She stops kneading the dough for a second and blinks a few times. She nods and I see her swallow a few times. I walk over to the sink and wash my hands. Jackie is well known for making dozens of cookies starting around this time of year and doesn’t stop until after Christmas. She hands them out to all the neighbors, probably the whole town.
I start on a batch of sugar cookies while Jackie pours some chocolate chips in hers and starts mixing again. I put the recommended amount of butter in the bowl and then add the sugar and blend it until it’s creamy just like the age-old recipe says.
I hear someone moaning behind me and I turn to see who it is. Connor is standing in the entryway rubbing his stomach. “You couldn’t have waited until after I was up and back from the gym to start that?”
Adam pushes