to be a different person. If he changed his mind on his own, that was one thing. But I couldn’t ask him to change for me. Not when I loved him how he was, absurd principles and self-denial and all.
Let this be enough, I instructed myself, staring at my reflection in the store window. Enjoy what you have. Take what he’ll give you. That way, when you leave, you’ll only have happy memories. And you could use some more good memories in your life.
“What’s wrong?” Holden asked, and I realized I’d been quiet for way too long.
“Nothing.”
I smiled around my sudden urge to cry. Not even because I was sad. Just because of the everything of it all. I turned and scanned the square, looking for a way to change the subject, and saw that a crowd had gathered around one of the unlit pine trees by the gazebo.
“Look, they’re getting ready to light it. Let’s go watch.”
Holden looked surprised. “Really? You want to do that?”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know. It’s pretty Christmas-y. You’re Jewish.”
“That doesn’t mean I can’t like sparkly things. Come on.”
I pulled Holden across the street and onto the green. The crowd had grown by the time we got there. The wind picked up, and I wrapped my arms around myself, chilly despite the warm peacoat Holden had given me.
“You cold?” he asked, still solicitous.
“It’s not too bad.”
He scrutinized my face for a moment, then plucked his hat off and pushed it onto my head, tugging the flaps down so they covered my ears. I looked up at him indignantly.
“What? Sue me for wanting you not to freeze. You might have a hypothermia-related death wish, but that doesn’t mean I have to help you out.”
“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?” I asked, annoyed and pleased at the same time.
“Probably not.” He grinned, and I stuck my tongue out at him. Because that was definitely something twenty-five-year-olds did.
The band finished their song—God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen, the tuba player still going strong—and a hush fell over the crowd as a group of carollers stepped in front of the tree. After a moment of stillness, they began singing Silent Night, and on the second verse, the tree behind them was lit up in white lights that illuminated its silver garlands and bell-shaped ornaments.
It was gorgeous, and I looked up, expecting to find Holden watching the tree. Instead, he was staring at me.
“What?” I asked, my voice hushed. Something about the moment seemed to demand it.
He didn’t say anything for a long time, but just when I was about to turn back to the tree, his voice stopped me. “You’re beautiful, you know?”
“What?” I repeated, in an entirely different tone of voice.
“You’re beautiful,” he said. “That’s what I thought, the first moment I set eyes on you.”
I felt my brow wrinkle. “The first time you set eyes on me, I was puking up the contents of the Mariana Trench.”
“Wrong ocean.”
“Huh?”
“The Mariana Trench is in the Pacific Ocean,” Holden said, his voice soft and warm. “And no, actually. The first moment I saw you, you were lying on the beach, your eyes closed—”
“Covered in seaweed and probably smelling like old fish.”
“—And I thought you were beautiful,” he finished, as though I hadn’t spoken. “I thought it then, and I still think it.”
I flushed. Holden wasn’t much of a talker in general, and he definitely didn’t talk about his feelings easily. And fine, maybe the visual perception of beauty wasn’t technically a feeling and was more about light hitting photoreceptors in your eyeballs or whatever, but still.
“Oh,” I said, because for once in my life, I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
And then he grabbed hold of the earflaps of my hat and pulled me in for a kiss. I froze for a second, a million ‘what the fucks’ running through my mind, but then I felt his tongue press against my lips, and I decided I didn’t care.
I grabbed the collar of his jacket and deepened the kiss, opening my mouth and letting him inside. Our tongues tangled, velvet soft and warm, the night air cool on our cheeks, and it was so sweet, if I could just make this moment—
A flashbulb went off behind us, and as suddenly as the kiss had started, it was over. Holden pulled back and looked around the crowd, panicked, and I understood.
“I’m sure they were just taking a picture of the tree,” I said softly. I tugged his jacket, trying