of the pantry,” Tommy says.
“I’ve got a lot to work on,” I admit. The cereal boxes are the least of my worries. I look between two of my best friends in the world. “I’ve never actually lived with a woman before. Or a kid.”
“Put the seat down and refill the toilet paper. Clean your hair out of the sink when you shave. That’s about all you need to know,” Tommy says.
“You’ve never lived with a woman before, either,” I point out. In fact, Tommy and I have been roommates for close to a decade. Brett and Dustin have come and gone from the various places we’ve lived, but Tommy has remained a constant.
It’ll be weird living without him, but it’s a step I’m ready to take. I don’t want to distance myself from the band, exactly, but I do like having something that’s mine...and I’m not talking about the house.
Even though Dani and I aren’t together right now, we share a kid. That makes two people who will be a permanent part of my life, and even though Tommy, Brett, and Dustin will be as well, I’m ready to step into this next phase of my life. I think I’ve been ready a long time.
I glance around the kitchen. Just from talking to Dani last week, I know I need to babyproof this place. And it’s not just that—I have literally nothing for a child here. No place to sit for dinner, no toys, no books, no bed, no clothes, no diapers. This place houses three adult men who like women, booze, and video games. We don’t cook or clean for ourselves—why bother when we can pay someone to do it for us?
But those aren’t the kinds of values I want to instill in my own kid. I think of Dani, who stays home with Luna. What’s her life like? Will she even agree to move into my place? She mentioned she was thinking of moving back here since there’s not much left for her in Milwaukee, but moving back to California and moving in with me are two vastly different options.
“We both sort of had a feeling this was coming,” Tommy says. “I’ve already been looking at places and I found one I like.” He glances at Brett. “You can come with me if you want.”
Brett shrugs. “I sort of think it’s time for us to grow up and get our own places. We spend enough time together on the road. I need a break.”
Tommy laughs, but then his eyes move to the window. “It feels like the end of an era.”
I press my lips together and nod. It is the end of an era.
Overnight I went from boy to man. I have different responsibilities now while nothing has changed for Tommy or Brett. The band will always come first for them, and that was sort of our pact from the start. But we were young then. We didn’t know what love was—not really—and we weren’t thinking about the future and the things that might become important to us over time.
I won’t weigh one against the other because both can still have important places in my life, but a sudden understanding hits me as I’m sitting at the table telling these two guys to move out of my house.
I can ask Dani and Luna to move in with me. I can spend as much time with my daughter as possible. But what happens when I’m back on tour? What happens if we’re booked for two more years in Europe? Is that what Dani wants for Luna?
Is it what I want for Luna?
The understanding washes over me as I think about Dani’s thought process when she chose to lie about Luna’s true paternity.
She was scared that I wouldn’t be around. And she was right. I was gone for over two years between the reality show and the tour we landed by accident, and the future is rife with tour dates already. I’ll be gone, and while they’re welcome to travel on the road with me, I don’t know if that’s a place either of them want to be.
She didn’t want me to think she was just after my money. After all, she never agreed to actually be with me until I had some, even though I know from the feelings we share for one another that my money never had anything to do with why she slept with me.
She didn’t want to raise a daughter in the spotlight. And I