And I am, but what good am I?
“I have to clean this up,” he says as his hand falls to his side. “Just give me a moment, little bird,” he tells me easily and with a small smile I so rarely see. There’s a sadness in his eyes too though and I don’t understand it. It makes me fear for him. I grab onto his hand, not wanting to leave and not willing to risk him.
“You’re scaring me,” I tell him honestly.
“I need to clean this.”
“I can do it,” I offer quickly. Anything I can do to help, but Jay snatches my wrists. The swift motion catches me by surprise. His fingers are forceful and his gaze down at me is intense.
“I need to be alone for a moment,” he tells me, but it’s the last thing I want for him. He’s been alone for so long, and he just needs to let someone help him.
“I just want to help you, Jay.” I’m terrified he’s close to a break that’s simply too much to handle. I can’t let that happen. Not to him. Not to someone I love so deeply when I’m right here. “I can help you,” I beg him and his expression softens slightly.
He turns my wrist and kisses it gently before letting me go. “Soon, little bird,” he says and his voice is soft and drenched with hopelessness.
“It’s going to be okay, Jay,” I tell him, feeling the pain in my heart worsen each second that passes without him looking at me.
I follow his gaze to the broken glass and blood on the tiled bathroom floor. I can clean this up. I can fix this. We can fix this. “I can get you-”
“Go to your room, little bird,” Jay says with authority, cutting me off. My lips part with both disbelief and an objection but he adds, “I love you and I don’t want you to see this right now.”
I love you. I’ve known he loves me. How could we not share this together? Two people so deeply intertwined and whose souls who cling to each other for comfort.
My lower lip wobbles and I reach out to him. I grip onto his shoulder without thinking until I’m clinging to his shirt and realize what I’ve done. But Jay doesn’t react, he just lets me pull him and that hurts me deeper than anything. His fight has waned.
“I love you. All of you, and I’m right here,” I tell him desperately, praying he’ll believe me. Every bit of what I’ve said.
A small trace of a smile forms on his lips and at first I feel like it really will be okay, as if he’ll let me help him the way he needs.
“We should go,” I offer although my words are shaky and my voice lacking confidence. I don’t want him to withdraw.
“I’m not going back,” Jay says with a hard voice. He looks me in the eyes as he tells me, “Go to your room, Robin.”
My stomach sinks and churns. He needs help I can’t give him. Jay kicks a large piece of glass and I look around. It can wait a moment. Just a moment, but I have to force his hand. This can’t happen again.
“I love you, Jay,” I tell him with every bit of sincerity in me and reach up on my tiptoes to plant a chaste kiss on the line of his hard jaw before turning to leave.
“I was never Jay,” I swear I hear him say as I step into the hallway, but when I turn around, he shuts the door faster than I can move, leaving me alone.
Chapter 27
John
Twenty years ago
The ground feels colder today; fall or winter must be coming. It’s hard to know without the bit of light from the windows anymore. He took it away.
“Please,” she asks me again. She’s afraid to ask me for things. At first I thought it was because she was afraid of me. But I think it’s something else. A mix of sympathy and guilt. She shouldn’t have either toward me. I hate it.
I lean my body so I’m closer to her, but still far enough away not to frighten her. She has a habit of inching closer to me; it’s a habit I like. I love it even.
I love that she needs me.
“You don’t have to ask, little bird,” I say her nickname and she does this cute thing where she smiles and avoids my gaze. It almost makes me smile, but I