this—with Willow’s decisions or mine.
“Forget about me. How’re you doing?”
He’d been kicking his feet back and forth, but he paused at my question. He looked away. “I’m fine.”
“Hey.” I scooted my chair closer and tapped on his knee. “I mean it. How are you?”
He looked back, and my heart was almost ripped out. Unshed tears hung on his lashes.
“I’m fine.” His voice trembled.
We’d been there for each other before the funeral, during the funeral, and I’d like to say afterward, but I couldn’t. Since we’d come back to Portside, I’d shut down. Literally. Going to see Ryan last night had been almost the first thing I’d done besides going from my bedroom to the kitchen or bathroom. Seeing his tears made me want to curse myself.
“Hey.” I gentled my voice even more. “If you need anything, you can come to me. You know that, right?”
“Where’d you go?”
“We went to the movies.”
“Where’d you sleep? At Ryan’s?”
“I . . .” The words were stuck in my mouth. He looked at me, completely innocent and vulnerable, and I contemplated lying to him. That was what it was. Not telling the truth was a lie.
I shook my head. “We came home. I was going to come in, but we snuck into his friend’s house. He lives next door to us.”
“And you slept there?”
I nodded.
“Good. You look better today. And I didn’t hear you crying last night.”
“I didn’t know you could hear me.”
He bobbed his head and jumped up from my bed. I could see his mind whirling. He was already thinking about whatever he would do next in his room, and he headed for the door.
“You cry every night. I’m glad you didn’t last night.” He pulled open my door. “You should do that every night.” And then he was gone.
I could’ve looked down to see my beating heart at my feet. He’d ripped me open. Again.
Counseling Session Two
“Hello, Mackenzie. It’s been a while since our last meeting. Would you like to talk today?”
“No.”
Chapter Eight
It was almost another month before I saw Ryan again.
He traveled with his family and then went to New York to see his grandparents. He was all over, including a wilderness camp. We texted back and forth, but when he was finally home, my parents shipped me off to Arizona. It was supposed to be four days where I’d heal with my friends, but some major miscommunication happened somewhere between the parents. They set it up, but the friends I used to cry with, laugh with, and who I thought had my back didn’t show up. Strangers did.
Zoe and Gianna spent most of the time talking to each other, laughing over someone’s tweet, and they forgot I was there. No joke. I was watching television in Gianna’s basement when I heard the door shut upstairs, and the house was quiet. They’d gone. I checked on social media and saw they were at the community pool, but I wasn’t going to get mad. I mean, seriously. Fighting with Erin was fun. She was someone I hadn’t known since second grade. She was someone I hadn’t shared chain letters with or plotted with on how to get even with Mia Gillespie in fourth grade when she stole Zoe’s boyfriend.
Erin was easy. There was nothing emotional there, but my two old best friends—too much history.
Instead, I booked my own flight back home and ordered a car.
It was close to midnight when I texted Ryan, telling him I was outside his house. The driver’s taillights were disappearing when he came out the front door.
“Hey.” Dressed in lounge pants and a soft shirt, he folded his arms over his chest, tucking his hands under his arms. He eyed my small suitcase. “You really came straight from the airport?”
“Was this stupid?” A normal girl might’ve had that thought in her head. But my head? There wasn’t enough room for second thoughts in there. I gestured to his house. “Should I go home?”
“No.” He’d hunched over a little but straightened and shook his head. “No. It’s fine. Seriously.” He went back to eyeing my luggage. “I thought you were joking about the airport. I could’ve picked you up.”
“Oh.” That meant a lot. “No, this is fine. Simple. No fuss. That’s how I roll these days.”
He fought back a grin. “Except when we break into my buddy’s house to spend the night, right?”
I laughed. “Except for that.”
“Come on.” He jerked his head toward the house before reaching for my suitcase. “My mom has book club tonight, which is