best friend’s arms.
Nicole leans back when I quiet down. “Better?”
“No. I don’t know that there is a better.”
She wipes her own tears and nods. “It’s going to hurt, but you’re strong, Heather. Stephanie loved you so much, know that.”
“She kept it from me.” All the emotions of the night continue to assault me. My sister knowing that she was going to die and that she was sick. The fact that she hid her condition so we could have the day at Busch Gardens. “All at her own expense. If she were alive, I’d beat her for it. She should’ve stayed in bed, got better so that . . .”
“So she could just get worse again?” Nicole challenges. She loved my sister as if she were her own. Stephanie was always around when we were young, wanting to be exactly like us. I can remember finding Stephanie trying on my clothes and talking to her “best friend Nicole.” It was annoying back then, if only I had the gift of foresight. “Is that what you’d really want for her?”
My gut reaction is to yell: Yes!
I open my mouth, but Nicole glares at me, daring me to say it. “I . . . I don’t know.”
I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I wish I could crawl inside myself and disappear. Living hurts too damn much.
“I know you, and you didn’t want that. I can’t imagine how you’d feel if this was months of her in agony.”
Sure, I guess there’s some comfort in that, but not much. The last seven years of Stephanie’s life were a series of ups and downs. We struggled with everything, and she suffered through it all. I watched her life start to fade the day we got her diagnosis.
My eyes move to the doorway where Eli leans against the frame. In his hand is a glass of water and a plate of food. He hesitates before moving forward. I gaze at him, tears welling in my eyes.
“You’ve been sleeping for a while.” His deep voice is filled with emotion. “I thought you should eat.”
My lip trembles, thinking of how happy I was before I got the call. We were together, loving each other while my sister took her last breath. I wish I could go back in time. I would’ve gone to see her after the barbeque, but I was so wrapped up in him.
My heart aches thinking about the minutes wasted because I didn’t answer the phone. The what-ifs are tearing me apart.
Nicole touches my arm. “Eli called as soon as you got back. I came right over, but you’ve been sleeping for about fifteen hours.”
“I’m tired.”
Eli and Nicole share a look, and she gives me a squeeze. “I’m sure. You need to eat, though. Do you want me to call Matt and tell him you’ll be out for a few days?”
“Tell him I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
Right now, I can’t deal with anything. The idea of riding in a squad car and talking to people is too much.
“I’ll tell him a week, and then you’ll handle what comes after that.” Her tone is firm, and I know what she’s trying to do. The same thing I would do if she were giving up.
I’d push.
But you can’t push someone out of a hole. You have to hope they’ll claw their way up enough for you to help them. There is no strength left in my hands to help me move right now.
“Do you need me to stay?” she asks Eli.
“No, I’ll take care of her.”
I glare at both of them as they talk about me as if I’m not here. All I need is to go back to sleep and wake up when this isn’t my reality.
Nicole kisses my forehead, and then they both leave the room. I grab my phone, scrolling through the texts and missed calls.
Danielle: I love you. I’m here if you need me.
Brody: Rachel and I send our love. Let me know what I can do.
Nothing. You can’t do a damn thing.
Kristin: I talked to Nicole, I’m so sorry, Heather. Do you want me to come over?
I reply to Kristin right away. I don’t want to see anyone.
Me: Thanks, but I’m not up for company.
It doesn’t matter that I’m at Eli’s house. She’ll show up. That’s Kristin’s nature, she’s the caretaker in our group, and I don’t want to be mothered. I don’t want anyone to make me feel better right now.
I try to