the doctor, and I erupt, “I don’t understand! How could no one tell me? How didn’t you think I should know?” I scream at them. “I was her caretaker! She wasn’t thinking straight! I’m her sister! I should’ve known.”
Eli pulls me into his embrace, and I wail. I smack his arm and then his chest, angry at everyone. Angry at him because I was with him when this happened. Angry at Stephanie because she didn’t tell me. I could’ve had another three days with her. If they’d kept me informed, I never would’ve allowed her to come to a fucking amusement park. I would’ve pushed her to have treatment, not let it kill her. There were so many things I could’ve done, and now, it’s too late.
My rage turns to Anthony. “You knew!” I rage at him. “You knew she was sick, and you brought her out!”
His head drops, and when he looks back at me, his eyes are brimming with tears. “I know you don’t believe this, but I cared about her. She asked me if I would help to keep her stable so she could have that day with you. She wanted one day of normal with you. Your sister knew she was dying and didn’t want to drag it out. I was there with her, holding her hand, and giving her what she asked for.”
“You knew her for what, a week? I was there every single day throughout the last seven years! I should’ve been the one beside her. You took that from me.”
A lone tear falls down his face, but there is no room in my broken heart to feel anything but hatred for him. “Believe me, your sister loved you so much that she wanted to spare you. It was all from love.”
I hate myself. I hate him. I hate everyone, and I can’t breathe.
I gasp for air as Eli rubs my back. “Easy, baby.”
I look to him, his image blurry. “She’s gone and I didn’t say goodbye. I wasn’t there, Eli. I wasn’t with her.”
“I know.”
The doctor clears his throat. “We had specific instructions from Stephanie in her medical directive. They were followed to the letter. I’m truly sorry for your loss, Ms. Covey. Take as much time as you need.”
He and Anthony both walk away, leaving me to do the last thing I ever wanted to do . . . say goodbye to my baby sister.
Eli and I walk down the hallway with his arm around my shoulder. I want to push him away, be alone and wallow in my grief, but I can’t seem to do it. He’s the only person here who didn’t spend the last however long lying to me. I hold onto him as we move, following the line on the floor. We don’t speak because there’s nothing to say. I can’t go back in time. I can’t change the way everyone handled this. Once again, I’ve had the choice stripped from me.
The door is open, and I glance at her lifeless body lying there. I’m not strong enough for this. I’ve been fooling myself by believing I was prepared. There’s no preparing for grief. Instead, I’m thinking of how I wasn’t with her in the end. No, I was lying in Eli’s bed, wishing my phone weren’t ringing. I should’ve been holding her hand, telling her how loved she was. My beautiful little sister is gone, and I hate that she didn’t hear my voice telling her all the things she needed to know.
Eli’s hand is on my back, and I spin, crumple against his chest, and twist my fists in the fabric of his shirt. “No, no, no, no!” I thought maybe this was a lie. Somewhere deep inside I hoped she’d be alive, but she’s not. “I’m not ready for this!” I cry. “She can’t be gone. Please, God, give her back to me!”
He murmurs words of comfort and support, but they don’t matter. There’s no way to soothe the torture I’m feeling. Grief, guilt, anger, and desolation consume me. “Do you want to go in? You don’t have to.”
I know I need to. Even though she isn’t really there, it’s all that’s left of her. “Yes, I do.” I say to him and straighten my shoulders, finding a tiny bit of strength in his warm hand on the small of my back.
“I’ll be right here.”
My feet shuffle forward, and I pull the chair closer to the side of her bed as my heart splinters. Eli