about any of that. Because that had nothing to do with the actual reality of what he was proposing, and it wasn’t going to happen either way.
“I’m not letting you fall on your sword for me.”
“Who said I was falling on my sword?”
“Because I know you. You’re trying to rescue me. You’re desperately trying to rescue me, and you’re offering yourself up in an entirely impractical way in order to do that.”
“I didn’t say that it wouldn’t come without conditions.”
“What kind? I mean, honestly, how would that even work? You don’t want kids because you’ve already been there and done that. You don’t want unconventional. And I am the very essence of unconventional. Which is fine for a friendship, but how could we ever share a child?”
“It wouldn’t be unconventional,” he said.
“How is it not going to be unconventional?”
“Because. I’ll be the father of your baby. You’ll be my wife. We’ll be a family.”
“Are you... Have you lost your mind?” she asked. “That is...nothing like what I was proposing for this whole situation.”
“And it’s the only way I can see to make it work. I mean, with me as the father.”
“I didn’t say that I wanted you to be the father. And anyway, why would it have to be that way if you were the father? Why couldn’t we live together on the property, and you can take kind of a secondary role? A favorite uncle.”
“You are out of your damned mind, lady. That is not how I would do it.”
“But you don’t want children.”
“And I don’t do halfway. I can’t, and I won’t. I’m all or nothing, and you know it. If we were to have a baby, it would be everything.”
“You are... You know you are an old man,” she said, doing her best to beat back the crazy little what-if that was rattling around inside her chest. “You raised your kids, they went out on their own, you work your land, you read the paper in the morning, and you watch 60 Minutes at night before you go to sleep very early.”
“So what? I’m stable.”
“And you’re done. And I’m not. I’m not an old man.”
“I’m well aware. It’s called opposites complementing each other, Sammy. I thought that you would know something about that.”
“No. Just no.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to get married. Because I can’t be married to you,” she pushed.
“And why is that?”
His eyes were so steady, and she wanted to just say yes. She wanted to lean into him and...
No. She couldn’t do that.
“Because it would ruin everything. I’m not going to become this crazy ball and chain that you shackled yourself to because you didn’t approve of the way I was doing something. It’s nuts. Even you have to acknowledge that.”
“I don’t have to acknowledge a damn thing.”
“No. If you want to do this my way, then... I mean, of course I can’t think of a better person. A better man. But we’re not... I’m not trapping you into eighteen years of a life that you don’t even want.”
“You marry me and you’ll get health insurance. I have it through the farm union.”
“Oh, my gosh. Are you genuinely proposing that we have a marriage of convenience? And a baby and...”
Suddenly it didn’t seem crazy. For a moment it didn’t seem crazy at all. It seemed unbearably tempting.
But then reality came to the rescue. Sense came to the rescue. Because she knew she didn’t want this. She didn’t. Not even a little bit.
There was a reason that she gravitated toward men that were so different than Ryder. There was a reason that she was opposed to marriage at all. There was a reason that she wanted to keep control of her life and her child.
And it wasn’t because she didn’t trust Ryder; that wasn’t it. It was just... To trap him in a relationship he didn’t want anyway...
He would never hurt her. She knew that. It wasn’t that she thought he might be violent like her father. She had lived under an oppressive cloud of two people who weren’t in love living in the same house. She had seen firsthand what it did to people. She didn’t want it. Couldn’t stand it.
“I can’t do that to you. To us. To me.”
“You’d rather have a baby with someone you don’t even know.”
“Yes,” she said. “That’s the point.” Except suddenly that didn’t seem as appealing as having his baby except... “Why do you have to be so uncompromising? Why can’t we figure out maybe a different way