he was having this conversation with her. Like some kind of unholy sex talk. The kind he’d been forced to give to his siblings, but worse, because it wasn’t just about basic bodily function but about...everything else.
“It’s just that that isn’t a goal for me when I’m with a man.”
Anger poured through him, unchecked and unexamined. There were just too many aspects of this that bothered him to be able to apply a label to any one piece of it.
“You know why I don’t like that, Sammy? Because it’s the goal of every man who has ever touched you. The goal of every man who goes into a sexual situation. They want to come. That is the point. Especially if they are in a relationship with you. And if you aren’t their priority...”
“How has it become this conversation. How?”
“Because I’ve never seen you this worked up about something like this. Usually it’s the kind of thing you torture me with.”
“I don’t torture you,” she said.
“You do,” he said. “And you like it. So the fact that you don’t find this funny at all makes me think there’s something at play here that I don’t know.”
“We don’t talk orgasms very often.”
“Granted. But your reaction intrigues me.”
“I’ve never had one with a partner,” she said, the words coming out on top of each other. “Okay? I don’t care. So I don’t talk about it. It doesn’t bother me. I can have them on my own, thank you. An exploration of self. A little bit of me time. I can relax and unwind with me. I know exactly what I like. Not a big deal. But yet...with guys...not so much.”
“What?”
He couldn’t wrap his head around that. Could not wrap his head around what she was telling him. Because...that was just bullshit. He was not a relationship guy. There was no room in his life for one. He was a sporadic one-night-stand guy or a meet-up-every-few-months-outside-of-town kind of guy. But he would never...
“How?” he asked.
“I mean I fake it,” she said. “It’s not really their fault.”
“Oh, come on,” Ryder said. “You can tell.”
“You can tell?”
“If you’re paying attention you can tell,” he said. “There is no excuse for that.”
“I’ve never asked for it.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t need it. I just told you. Anyway. Now that we’ve covered that delightful topic, why don’t we get back to the subject at hand, which is just finding a guy to get me pregnant. And now we’ve covered the fact that I don’t need him to be filled with prowess and skill. Because it would be wasted on me.”
“So what do you require? Soft, nonthreatening hands and in possession of a concave chest?”
“You’re being an asshole,” she said. “I like the guys I’ve dated. They’re nice guys. And they make me feel good. It feels good that they find me attractive. That they... I like that they get off. Whatever happens with me... It’s deeper than an orgasm. I’m fulfilled. By the connected experience.”
“Why can’t you have both? It sounds to me like it’s one of those ridiculous compromises that women are asked to make constantly. And let me tell you, when it comes to that I’m not a man who compromises.”
He leveled his gaze at her, and when she couldn’t stand to meet his gaze for too long he didn’t look away.
Because yeah, this was straying into deeply uncomfortable territory, and yes, he was beginning to feel a little bit hot under his shirt collar, but the fact remained that she needed to hear this. No matter how uncomfortable it was.
“Why can’t you have everything? When I go to bed with a woman her pleasure is my top priority, and I don’t take mine until she gets hers.”
“What if she’s faking?”
“I told you already. You can tell.”
“How?”
She was staring him down, her blue eyes glittering, and he knew that he was being issued a challenge. She was trying to make him back down. She was trying to make him uncomfortable.
It was not going to work.
Because if there was one thing he had learned over all these years of mastering his cravings for her, mastering the various needs that his body had, it was how to face a problem head-on when he wanted to turn away from it. It was how to hold steady when he wanted to crack. And he knew how to fake it. Since he had become responsible for an entire household he knew how to fake a smile when he didn’t feel like it. Yeah,