I try to tell Lucas about contraception, responsibility, respect, boundaries – everything I can think of. To his credit, he does sit and listen to me. I think. I hope.
‘How old were you when you first had sex?’ he asks.
‘I don’t want to have that conversation with you,’ I reply, feeling a bit hot under the collar.
‘That’s what I hate about adults.’ He scowls at me to indicate that I’m the particular adult he hates right now. ‘You think you can preach to me and have “grown up” chats where you pick through my sex life, but you don’t want to do the same for me.’
‘I was a late-starter,’ I concede. ‘By today’s standards.’
‘What? Twenties? Thirties? So you think that should be the same for me?’
‘Not necessarily.’
‘I have surging hormones. I can’t wait that long.’
‘This is all about wanting to protect you. I don’t want to see you hurt, Lucas.’
‘Aurora isn’t like that,’ he insists.
And I don’t want to stamp on a tender heart, so we leave our discussion at that – but that doesn’t stop me from worrying.
This, of course, should be Shelby’s job, but he’s currently absent as he’s busy shuttling between Flinton’s Farm and panto rehearsals in Birmingham. It’s nigh on impossible to even catch him on the phone and our recent conversations have been snatched and unsatisfactory. Lucas says it’s a relief that Shelby’s not here and takes every opportunity he can find to call him a ‘dickhead’. He’s obviously smarting that Shelby has gone away. Me? I’m missing him terribly.
I don’t know if the students can sense that the atmosphere is not as laid-back as usual, but we seem to be having more than our fair share of problems. The run-up to Christmas is so often difficult for people with autism, whether adults or children – the forced air of excitement and disruption to routine can be very unsettling for them. So we’re trying to manage it here and, while making it a fun thing, keep the preparations for our open day as calm and structured as possible. But there are always issues. Jack, who has been with us for years, may not have his funding for much longer. The council are threatening to withdraw it and his parents certainly can’t pay for him. I wonder, not for the first time, if we could take him on as staff as I know the possible disruption to his future is troubling him greatly. Another of our long-term students, who’s been doing so well, suffers a terrible setback. Tamara, who has a history of self-harming, cuts herself badly for the first time in over a year and is now in hospital. I’m worried that she might be sectioned. The news saddens and distresses everyone and for those who can’t process emotions well, it results in a lot of challenging behaviour. Penny, in particular, is argumentative and difficult. I vow to make more of an effort to spend some quality time with her – I don’t know how things are at home, but it doesn’t look like it’s improving.
Even the animals are playing up today. Anthony manages to escape his pen and spends half an hour careening round the farmyard until, finally, Asha puts on an impressive spurt and catches him. Johnny Rotten bites Jody on the elbow when she goes to fuss him and he has to be entered into the accident book – again. Harriet and Hilda haven’t stopped braying at the top of their voices all morning. At first, their incessant heehawing is amusing and then it just becomes a terrible, ear-splitting din. Nothing I can do settles them. Betty Bad Dog knocks over all the feed bins and then makes herself sick by eating pig nuts. I’ve spent the last hour clearing it all up. I feel as if I’m being stretched to breaking point and have the headache to end all headaches.
The only upside is that today it’s bright and relatively warm – given that we seem to have our own microclimate here, which always makes it chillier than anywhere else. A bit of physical activity is always a good thing on their difficult days, so the students are in the big barn helping to make wooden planters for our planned kitchen garden. I’ve been threatening to do a bit of grow-your-own since we were at our last home, and I’m determined we’ll be ready to plant up some herbs and a few vegetables in time for next spring. We inherited some decking