out there. The studio are being very generous. You can come out as often as you like. With Lucas too,’ he says. ‘And, of course, I’ll come back regularly.’
But he won’t and we both know that. It’s been hard enough for him to find time to come back from Birmingham to see us.
He rubs at his chin, frowning. ‘How do you think Lucas will take it?’
‘As always with Lucas, that’s anyone’s guess.’
‘Will you tell him?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘You’re his dad. You need to sit and discuss this with him.’
‘Huh. You’re so much better at talking to him than I am. I just make him cross.’
‘You’re going to leave him here with me, though?’
‘If he wants to stay.’
I experience a moment of dread. I’m sure that Lucas will want to remain here at Hope Farm. He has me, Alan and Bev, the animals, his studies. Surely, he won’t want to go? But Lucas is in a fragile place right now and he might think that a change of scene might do him good. Perhaps, like Shelby, his head will be turned by the lure of Hollywood. I simply don’t know.
‘They want me there as soon as this run has finished.’ Shelby wrings his hands. ‘Ideally, I’d take the flight on Christmas morning.’
‘But you don’t finish in panto until Christmas Eve.’
‘That’s the difficulty.’
‘I see.’ I jam my hands into my pockets. ‘So you have no plans to see Lucas and me at all over Christmas?’
‘I’m trying to juggle everything,’ he pleads. ‘It’s just another day. I’d like to get out to America with a bit of time to spare. Filming starts straightaway and I need to get over the jet lag. I don’t want to be going into the studio feeling fuddled. I have to be straight out of the starting gate. It’s ruthless out there.’
And yet he’s choosing it over his own son, over me.
In the middle of the path, I stop and look at him. I have loved this man so much. He has taught me a lot about myself over the last six months. ‘I want this to work for you with all of my heart,’ I tell him. ‘Really I do.’
He places his hands on my arms, his face the picture of relief. ‘I knew you’d understand, Molly. You always do.’
‘I do understand and hope you do too.’ A feeling of calm descends on me. ‘Shelby, we both know that this is the end of the road for us.’
He looks appalled. ‘Why would you say that?’
‘You want to be free to fly high and I don’t blame you.’
‘But what about you and Lucas?’
‘We’re happy here. If Lucas chooses to stay with me, I’ll look after him to the very best of my ability. I couldn’t love him more than I do. He’s the closest to a son I’ll ever have.’ I get stab of pain in my heart for the child I’ve lost, but that’s something that Shelby will never know about. ‘Yet, we both have to face it, this isn’t your ideal life. I think you like the idea of a quiet, natural existence without the trappings of fame and fortune, but it’s an act.’ Something that Lucas has always pointed out that Shelby does so well. ‘It’s something that you want on occasional weekends, whereas I’m grounded here and this is where I want to stay. I don’t want to come to Los Angeles. I want to be here with my animals, up to my elbows in mud and manure. That’s what I do best. It’s who I am.’ He goes to open his mouth to speak, but I press on before I lose my nerve. ‘You love the person you are and the life you lead. And that’s fine by me. That’s a good thing. But my part in it ends here.’
‘I love you.’ His expression is bleak.
‘And I will always love you,’ I promise. ‘But sometimes love isn’t enough.’ Shelby has been my first love. I think as it came later to me in life, I have cherished it all the more, but I can also recognise when it’s over. For him and for me. ‘You’ve been one of the very best things to happen in my life. I hope we’ll stay the closest of friends.’
Shelby looks flabbergasted, but surely he must have seen this coming?
When he manages to speak, all he has to offer is, ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Be happy. We have one life, Shelby. Go and enjoy yours.’
‘This isn’t over