awakening me, but I remain still, closing my eyes.
He speaks like the voice of an angel, but I’m not prepared for what he says. I am not prepared for him to know about this baby. And as I attempt to lay perfectly still, I begin the internal battle of what to do, what to say. I can’t do this again. Nothing has changed. It’s the same cycle of emotions consuming me and chaining me down.
There’s no strength or will left in me, no fight. I’m defeated, beaten down, a shadow of my former self.
This journey is no longer one I want to take.
I love him more than I even love myself.
But I need to protect him, even if it means he will never know how much I truly love him, and how I’m willing to sacrifice everything so he doesn’t experience the greatest loss possible to mankind. And the only way to protect him will be to destroy him at the same time.
He deserves better than me.
If I hurt him, then he’ll never return.
Hurt him, Charlie.
Hurt him so bad that he’ll no longer love you.
Hurt him so he will no longer come after you.
Hurt him so bad that he will wish you don’t exist.
The voice inside is telling me what I need to do.
“I didn’t tell you, Lex, because… because it’s not yours.” As the words leave my mouth, I bite my lip until it bleeds to stop myself from screaming his name, to stop myself from reaching out and begging him to hold me and make all this pain go away.
But it’s the loss of his touch, the footsteps that disappear into the night that forces me to realize what I’ve just done.
Once again, I’m all alone.
The tears roll down my face, and it’s déjà-fucking-vu again, lying in a cold hospital bed for the second time in my life, crying out for someone to save me.
LEX
I drop her hand.
With my head bowed, the words she whispers shatter every part of my existence. Is this another chapter in the nightmare replaying in my head? No, this is real, and I’m fucking living it.
Barely able to stand, I walk out of the room with no sense of direction. I don’t know where I’m going. I have no idea how to get out of this hospital, how to get out of this nightmare, and how to pretend she never existed.
I have nothing.
The realization that the control of my life is taken away is the biggest burden I now carry. Outside in the cool night, the rain starts to pour as I stand there unable to move, unable to decide the simplest thing—where do I go now? Maybe it’s hours later, maybe it is minutes, but somehow, I find the strength to lift my arm enough to hail a cab. The yellow cab with its bright lights pulls up, and I climb in.
“Where to, buddy?”
The question is simple, but I stare blankly at him. He asks again, this time with a lot less patience.
“JFK.”
The driver remains quiet, listening to his music as the city passes by in a clouded haze. My mind has turned numb, not even processing our approach nor his first warning to pay the fare, then get the hell out of the cab.
Inside the terminal, the huge black television screen with all the flight information listed is spread out before me. I stand there reading every line, memorizing the destinations, flight numbers, and times. I don’t know how long it’s been after I arrived that a large gentleman in a security uniform walks toward me.
“Sir, is there a reason why you’ve been standing here for over an hour?”
An hour, time was lost on me.
The baby isn’t mine.
“I’m sorry. I’ll leave now.” I walk toward the counter to be greeted by an over-friendly woman.
“Can I help you, sir?”
The baby isn’t mine.
“Where is your next plane going?” I ask.
“Excuse me?”
“I want a ticket on your next flight to wherever it’s going,” I answer, defeated.
“Um, sir… that’s an unusual request.”
I see her make eyes at the security guard. “Maybe, but the woman I have loved for nine years told me tonight she’s pregnant with someone else’s baby, so perhaps you can understand my need to get the hell out of this city?”
Pursing her lips, her expression turns into one of compassion. I don’t need a pity party, I simply need to get out of here.
“We have a flight leaving in an hour to Alaska, sir.”
“That’s fine, I’ll take that.”
“The last-minute fare on this