her name. “I want to go home…”
“Charlie, I really think we should call the paramedics.”
I shake my head, still struggling with my words. “No… please don’t.”
“But Charlie—”
“Nikki, stop! Just help me stand. Please.”
She grabs my arm, and I manage to stand though unsteady on my feet. I beg again to go home, but before we do, I ask Nikki for a favor as I wait on the chair with a brown paper bag.
***
I sit on my bathroom floor beside Nikki in a catatonic state staring at the three pregnancy tests, each a different brand, all lying side by side marked with the two blue lines which have decided my fate.
“Charlie. Three tests can’t be wrong. They’re all positive.”
I continue to sit in silence, not even blinking as I watch, hoping for a miracle that the lines all become one. Just one line. My vision clouds, why is this happening? The lines are staring me in the face—nothing can make them change. Closing my eyes, I pray that this is an awful dream, and at any moment I’ll wake up, and everything will be back to normal, but minutes later, I open them, the reality a huge slap in the face is still staring at me.
Nikki shifts closer to me, placing her arm around me, pulling me into her.“Look, girl, I’m sorry, but I gotta ask… whose?”
Turning to face her, I search her eyes for any sort of judgment. She’s my best friend, and if anyone understands, it will be Nikki. I close my eyes again, remembering the past few months. Who I fucked, where I fucked, when I fucked, and what the fuck did I use?
I ramble through my thoughts which are causing my head to ache, a migraine now imminent. I used condoms, I gave head, and he fucked me in the ass. My body sinks and the weight of my actions causes me to shake again. Any self-respect I had for myself disappears along with my dignity.
I’m a whore, a slut, whatever you want to call it. I say the names to myself, my head screaming on repeat. My behavior is beyond disgusting, and now I have to pay the ultimate price.
“Nikki… I don’t know.”
“Oh, Charlie, it’ll be okay. Look at Will. Rocky and I couldn’t have been in a worse situation, but we made it work and look at him. My life doesn’t exist without him.”
“But you had Rocky.”
“Yes, I know,” she admits. “But why on earth would the father not want to be part of his baby’s life? Either way, you’ve got two great men, and both will make great fathers.”
“Because it’s all too complicated. Nikki, I can’t do this… I can’t be a single mom and have to look at this child every day and see the face of its father. I don’t understand how this happened.”
It isn’t a question because no matter how it’s answered, it won’t erase anything.
“Well, sweetie, it’s quite simple… you got caught up in the hot sex and forgot about Mr. Semen and his million buddies.”
“Nikki, I married him.”
“What?” She raises her voice, her eyes wide in shock.
“That last night in The Hamptons, we got married. Don’t ask me how he pulled it off. I still don’t know, but it happened. He kept asking me to marry him, and he took me to this house. Outside in the gazebo, the man, he performed the ceremony.”
“Are you fucking with me? You married Lex? You’re Mrs. Edwards?”
“Please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“So, you are married to Lex, and this may be Julian’s baby? My God, Charlie, it’s like The Young and the Restless.” She shakes her head while muttering something to herself.
I don’t know how long I sit there, numb, unable to process how fucking foolish I feel for being caught up in all this. I don’t cry, not one single tear has been shed since my breakdown in the drug store. Maybe I should have, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I’m unable to feel the pain now like I have some sort of shield. Staring blankly at the tests, it feels like hours later when I speak again. “Nikki, you need to get back to Will.”
It’s all I can think of. She has a family who needs her—her son needs her, her husband needs her. Family. Why does that word frighten me to the core?
“Charlie,” she says softly, moving a loose strand of hair away from my face and tucking it behind my ear.