down with exhaustion.
There’s more noise now and standing at the foot of my bed is a doctor. Removing the chart from the bed railing, his eyes scan across the notes before he retrieves his pen from his coat, scribbling on the piece of paper. I want to ask him why I’m here, and more importantly, what is wrong with me, but all that comes out is a rasp.
“I’m Dr. Schultz. How are you feeling, Miss Mason?”
Nikki passes me a cup of water which I gladly take. With the cool liquid easing my throat, I clear it with more effort, willing to speak. “Tired. Sore. What happened to me?”
“You have a collapsed lung caused by pneumonia,” he states, watching me with a gentle gaze. “We have you on an IV because you are severely dehydrated. Don’t worry, the baby is fine. We ran all the necessary tests, and the baby is doing very well.”
There’s that word again.
I close my eyes, desperate to shut out reality. Taking a deep breath, I open them to see Eric’s eyes wide in shock.
“Baby?”
Nikki shakes her head, warning Eric to shut the fuck up.
“In the meantime, Miss Mason, we need you to get plenty of rest, and if you feel uncomfortable, the nurses can give you a mild sedative. I expect you’ll be here for another few days.”
Dr. Schultz places the chart back at the foot of my bed before leaving the room. I want nothing more than to ignore everything right now, including the questions Eric is itching to ask.
“Okay, Charlie, I won’t ask until you’re ready.” Eric’s voice is calmer, and I can see he’s more worried than he is itching for gossip. “Do you need anything? Food? Anything from your apartment?”
I want to be alone, and to get that, I send Eric on a mission to grab me some things from home.
“Okay, so I’ve got everything written down. I’ll also make sure Coco is fed.”
“All done, Eric,” Nikki tells him. “Mrs. Landry, Charlie’s neighbor, has taken Coco in the meantime.”
“Great,” Eric says with relief. “The last time I was there, she tried to claw my new suit.”
Eric says goodbye leaving me alone with Nikki.
Dragging the chair closer to me, she takes a seat, resting her hand on top of mine. “You scared us, you know,” her voice softens. “Charlie, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have a baby to take care of. It’s not just about you now.”
Staring at the ceiling, my heart is hollow. There’s a truth to Nikki’s words, but speaking them and being in this situation, are two different things. Although I can trust her with my hopes and fears, the cold, harsh reality is that I don’t trust myself right now. Desperate to be alone, I nod my head softly before turning to face her. “I know,” I murmur. “I just need rest.”
Nikki stands then leans forward to kiss me on my forehead. “We’re your family, Charlie. Always here for you, no matter what.” Promising to be back later tonight, she leaves the room, and I welcome the isolation.
Many thoughts climb into my head, all vying for top place. The more they circulate, the more my emotions tangle themselves in an intricate web. Various forms of pain, humiliation, and remorse threaten to drive my mind into a dark place of no return. Taking deep breaths, I force myself to be rational, counting my lucky stars I’m still breathing, but in the end, darkness perseveres.
Exhausted, I close my eyes willing all the noise to stop.
Inside a restless sleep, other sounds filter around me. The hospital ward is busy, the voices carrying up and down the corridor, the faint sound of the radio in the nurses’ station playing. I focus on the sound—I know what it is, and I close my eyes trying my hardest not to focus on the lyrics of this one particular song. I want to scream at them to turn it off. I don’t want any reminders that he exists, no sad love song to reiterate how pathetic my life has become.
Silence—all I need is complete and utter silence.
I repeatedly press on the red button, begging them to turn it off. After my outburst, the nurses give me a mild sedative to help me relax. It isn’t long before I fall asleep, my body and mind finally resting.
Sometime during the night, I feel him. His warmth washes over me. I have to be dreaming. His fingers entwine with mine, that jolt of electricity