power she wields over me is unreal.
“I’m not,” I say, bringing some of my own walls back up. When she shuts down, I have to do the same. If I care when she doesn’t, she hurts me. Since she never feels, I’m always suffering in the pain of being alone. She abandons me every time she escapes into her mind.
She hurts me more than Lo ever could, and if she knew that she held that much power, maybe she’d destroy me entirely.
“Are too. You have that big-ass wrinkled forehead and narrowed eyes. It’s how you look at me when you leave and fuck random women.”
The word fuck and random women shouldn’t be used in the same sentence, coming out of her mouth, no less.
I drop my hand from her face, knowing that if I continue this physical connection between us, I’ll cave. Why I hold on so unapologetically, I’m not sure.
I’m just waiting for her to leave me, too.
That’s what they all do.
Toss me away.
Choose better paths. Find something easier. Leave.
“Why did you meet up with Loren?” I ask, stopping her questioning eyes. Her face scrunches like she’s even worse off than moments ago. I want to hug her and reassure her, but that would only create a false sense of comfort. Lies. I’ve cheated on her. She cheated on me. We’re a hot-ass mess.
“You’ve always been so obsessed,” she admits, her voice small and uncertain. I did that. I took a strong and fierce woman and turned her into one who doesn’t feel that anymore. How could I ruin such a beautiful part of her?
“I loved her,” I whisper. The only admission she’ll get.
“Love,” she corrects. “You love her and always will. I’m not sure why I tried to compare. There’s nothing like a man’s first love, the one who got away, the one they’ll always pine after.” The words are bitter and empty as though she has every feeling toward them but refuses to allow them to filter through. I don’t blame her. For the past year, I’ve used every word of hers against her.
“I needed to know what made her special. It helps that I work for you, that I’m a chef who went to the same school and had the same professor. It was easy asking for help. Seeing if she had any advice for me to finally leave.”
My breath comes out ragged, the sharp intake of air as her words hit something vital inside me, warning me I’ve finally lost. She gave up. The battle is no more. The pang of hurt that slices me shouldn’t cut so deep, but it keeps going until it breaks through the bone protecting the lifeless heart that beats inside.
She wants to leave.
She plans to leave.
She’s going to leave.
The words play on repeat in my head, smashing my thoughts of everything away. She’s not going to fight anymore. What did I expect? For her to live with our choices and keep the agreement to fuck who we want? Obviously, she wants more. Maybe her new fuck buddy showers her with love and orgasms. Maybe his dick is bigger than mine. Maybe he’s what she’s leaving me for.
Rage blinds me as I cup her face again. My eyes slice into her, needing to get deep, needing to hit it where it matters, no matter the pain. Her chest rises with a quick breath. She worries her lip, and I watch in amazement as her eyes fly to mine. They’re so telling. They give me what I need when I can’t stand her numbness. They melt for me, giving me life when there’s nothing to offer.
“No one will ever be me, Josephine.”
The words are harsher than intended, but as I said, pain will come whether I’m opposed to it or not.
“Heard that one before, Tobias.” She raises her eyebrows. “And guess what? I’m not fucking impressed with what I get from you.”
Walking us both backward to the chaise lounge, I push her down gently, guiding her body to where mine covers it. “It seems you’ve forgotten how good I am to you when it’s beneficial for me.”
She smacks my palm away. “That’s the key ingredient, isn’t it? Beneficial for you. I’m done with this shit. Get off me.”
It hurts to hear those words. But with her past and what’s she experienced, I don’t push. I rise up on my feet and watch as tears gloss her eyes.
Fuck.
I can’t believe I pushed her to tears. Did I break her trust again? Did