hell?
I try to talk, but my mouth is too parched. He reaches for the water and helps me take a drink.
“I love you,” he promises, his tone deeper and surer, but mostly sad. “Don’t ever try to take my girl away from me.” It’s a threat, but the kind that are endearing and harmless. I try to smile, but my body aches. Instead, he gets a grimace.
“Pain?”
I nod.
He grabs a little remote, and it lets us know a nurse is on their way. I can’t believe I’m in the hospital. I really fucked up this time.
Toby stares at me in wonder, like he can’t believe I’m alive. Did I die? I only remember sadness and pain and alcohol.
“You scared me,” Toby sounds out, gripping my wrist harder. “I think I died waiting for you to open those eyes.” Tears prick at the corners of said eyes, and I’m barely holding them in as he kisses my hand. “Living a life without you is impossible, Sous. I can’t do it.”
“Then don’t,” I whisper, my voice hoarse and broken.
“Why did you run? That’s my forte,” he says, his face sunken with stress and fear.
“Because as soon as I walked out of that house, I died. Even with everything you put me through and what we struggled with, I already forgave you. It made me hate myself more.”
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Two Weeks Later
Toby
“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.
“You say that now,” she whispers, her face filled to the brim with emotions. She’s been like this for days. I practically hired a new manager for my job, taking care of Joey since she left the hospital. We sit here in the front room of our home. She still doesn’t wear her ring, and I know it’s my doing.
I watched my brother destroy his wife with words and actions.
And I’ve followed his lead.
Annihilated my wife’s trust, her heart, all because I couldn’t be a decent human.
She stares outside, but I can see her pain, feel it as if it’s my own.
“I’ll always say you’re beautiful. Even when I’m stupid.”
She doesn’t respond, just hugs herself and nods.
“They never kissed me,” I admit, needing to get this off my chest. Needing her to know. “I never kissed them either.”
Tears slip past her eyes, and I know it’s because of pain, not relief. She needs to know how much I hated myself. At least, so that she can have the full picture.
“It’s not really something I thought I’d ever be explaining, but we always wore protection. I never went down on them.”
She shakes her head, closing her eyes as they pool with tears. My stomach seizes at the sight. I don’t want her to hurt, I hate seeing her hurt, but I need her to know.
“I’d watch our videos before... every time.” I cough around the words, not wanting to say what they blatantly are. Sex. Fucking. Cheating.
“You mean to say, instead of staying in our room and fucking me, you allowed yourself to watch our times together and fuck someone else instead?” she spits. “How is that okay, Tobias? How does that make a fucking lick of sense?”
I flinch at her words. She was never one for formalities.
“Yes,” I admit, feeling that absolute despicable hate for myself rise.
“It doesn’t matter that you never licked their pussies or that you never let your lips touch theirs. It’s the fact that you fucked them instead of me,” she all but hisses. “Was I not enough for you?”
Her body shakes with her question, and I move to be closer to her. She doesn’t stop me as I lift her onto my lap. I’d never call my wife frail, she’s anything but. Right now, though, with her sobbing in my lap, looking at me with the utmost sadness, she feels so small.
“You are enough, more than fucking enough.” I sound angry but it’s not directed at her. It’s directed toward myself. “And you’re right. I shouldn’t have fucked them in spite of you. But you agreed. That day when I saw you with Francis, you said okay. You accepted my deal.”
“I thought it was a joke!” she sobs. “Who the fuck tells their wife that?”
“I figured you wanted him. We signed a contract with your dad, so it’s not like we had much of a choice to stay. I spent my entire life being the second choice. Seeing you with Francis. His hands all around you... comforting you when we had just lost our child... I lost it. Absolutely