keeps repeating, I couldn’t. The pain inside him, the demons he holds and shelters, they’re eating him alive.
His actions were terrible, but who doesn’t fuck up at least a hundred times in any marriage?
“Who? Who are you talking about?” I ask, trying to calm him. He hasn’t stopped shuffling. I reach for his face, the contact making him shiver. His wild expression meets mine, it’s harried and desperate. He comes closer to me again, pinning me against the wall.
“My dad. I can’t be him. I won’t. I couldn’t,” he rushes out, the words short and sharp. As he brings his face to mine, I hope he sees the honesty in my words.
“You’re not your father, Toby. You’re my husband. A loving man. Someone who fixed all my jagged pieces, putting them together to make something beautiful. You are such a wonderful man.”
“I’ve fucked up, Joey. I’ve fucked it all up.”
“No, you haven’t. We both made decisions that damaged us. We. We’re a team. When one makes a choice, it affects us both.”
“I fucked other people,” he hisses, moving away. “I fucked other women, and all while you stayed home and cried. I cheated when you were suffering. It wasn’t a team effort or a choice you made, Joey. It. Was. Me. I picked everyone but you.”
A choked sob leaves my mouth, and I cover it with my palm, hoping to hide how much those words physically strike me.
He comes closer, seeing my pain.
“It’s better that you left. I’d have just fucked up even more. Probably slipped inside another hot cunt and got them pregnant.”
I smack him. It’s a gut reaction, but I do. I slap him so hard that there’s a red mark forming on his cheek. He doesn’t mean these things. He can’t. He wouldn’t do this to me. He’s always hurt me when he’s upset, but this?
“You know it’s true, baby.” A strangled noise escapes me at that word. I fucking hate that word, and he knows it. “It’s inevitable. Me fucking you over.”
“Fuck you, Toby. Fuck you.”
His eyes darken, but I see the chip in his armor. He’s saying these things to make me leave. And the thing about choices is I’m not scared to make the one that finally saves my heart.
“Goodbye, Toby.”
He shuts his eyes as if he’s both miserable and elated that I finally said it. How can he go from trying to win me back to what he’s doing right now? It’s not right.
Not fucking okay.
He reaches for me, but when I flinch, he drops his hand. After saying goodbye to Lo, Jase, and their kids, I leave. I rush out of the house and to my car, knowing that from now on, I’d be selfish.
I’m choosing me.
We were the consequence of circumstance.
That’s all we were. Everything else was lost.
He was mine.
Until he wasn’t.
I stayed for so long because fighting for him over a misunderstanding mattered to me. I love him; he hates me. Everything fell apart with one simple mistake—a miscommunication. With honesty, a little trust, and understanding, we could have lasted. We could have conquered. We could have loved.
But he chooses hate.
I think it’s easier for him. Rather than accepting that he messed up—didn’t trust me—he threw us away. It’s fair. I met Lo. I know what she did to him. What she held over his head. What kept him with her.
Guilt.
Such a cunty little emotion.
Chapter Fifty-One
Past
Joey
He pushes me against the surface of the elevator we’ve used for years. His mouth hovers my lips as he breathes as raggedly as me. “Are you wet, Sous?”
“For you? Never.”
He chuckles darkly, his face masked with anger and hatred. It’s always one or the other, but tonight, it’s both. It sends chills up my spine, tingly, and zapping each inch of me like a little 9-volt battery.
He hates as strongly as he fucks.
Endless.
Brutal.
With every inch of him.
“If I lifted your little dress, would your cunt tell me otherwise?” I stare at him and his dirty mouth, hating him so much at this moment. How can he be so cruel and make me weak for him to the point I throw all my needs out the window? My pride doesn’t seem to be an issue. If anything, people see a spineless woman, but the pain feels too good to let it win. I use it instead, letting it breathe fire back into me with every pulse.
I’m not weak. I know the stakes and the rules. I’m just strong enough to fight him instead of give