we stay. We fucking stay, and it makes no sense.
It may never.
But he keeps going back to other women, and I just lie here with my battery-operated boyfriend and find peace knowing I never crossed the lines in which he has.
“Divorce me if you think I’ve betrayed you,” I hiss, pushing at his chest with tears welling in my eyes. It hurts. It fucking hurts knowing he believes I’d choose Frankie over him. I couldn’t do that. Ever. Toby saved me. He mended my most broken parts, soothed the scars, and eased the pain. He did that.
I’d never ruin us for something as simple as sex.
Deep-seated resentment takes residence in my bones, infiltrating my love and rotting it with each harsh word he snaps at me.
“Fuck. I can’t even look at you,” he bites, turning away from me. I reach out for his arm, but he yanks it away as if I’ve hurt him by touching his skin. Tears spill free, painting my cheeks with warpaint I didn’t realize I needed. How could they not? He won’t look at me. Toby is a man all about connection. With mind, soul, and eyes. He made sure to let me know that eyes are the windows to the soul every time he made love to me.
“I didn’t—”
“Stop talking!” he barks sharply, turning all that loathing onto me. His hand raises to grip my face but drops deftly before the skin connects. “This is how this will work.”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. What does he mean? The way he straightens his spine with resolve, narrowing his eyes with concentration, and clenches his jaw austerely has me on edge. He’s almost too calm, masking his emotions like he’s a marionette and no person pulls his strings any longer.
“From now on, you’re not my wife, Joey. On paper, sure. But in the real world, where it matters, where marriages are of love and bullshit? That’s not us anymore.” His contentious mask drops for a twinkling moment as pain pigments his features with agony. Worrying his lip, he lets out a Herculean exhale. “You fuck who you want, Joey. And so will I.”
“Nonono,” I whimper. “That’s not—”
“Shut the fuck up,” he growls so deadly that I hiccup, feeling my chest deflate as it loses every ounce of love it ever attained. “We’re done. We won’t become Lo and Jase. They both cheated. Us... this won’t be that. No. There won’t be any love or feelings involved.”
“Then why stay?” I cry, my chest aching beyond repair. I grip it, wondering if it still beats, still thrums even as his words slice deeper than my razors ever could. Wes couldn’t have ever hurt me this bad. My dad abandoning me never ached his much. Mom disappearing doesn’t compare. This inherent torment, swirling with sorrow inside my soul, is not attainable even as my body carries it like a thousand-pound dumbbell.
This is savagery in living form. Corrosion. Destruction. Pure decrement.
I fall into a heap of sobs and instead of comforting me like he always did, he turns his back on me. “I’m going out. Don’t fucking expect me to come home.” As the door slams, I break.
Absolutely.
Entirely.
Forever.
He didn’t hear my side of the story, I tried. I fucking tried.
For nearly six months, I kept trying. That’s when he made it noticeable that he’d been fucking other people. He’s paraded his hickeys, lipstick stains, and the way he smelled like them. Sex. Perfume. Booze. Then he’d come home and fuck me with their scent wrapped around him as sure as their legs were.
And I let him.
I let him.
I let him.
He was a train wreck I couldn’t stay or look away from. Still, I’m here.
Hate is my darkest lover, cosseting me with twine, branding me its slave.
I know why I stay, but why the fuck does he?
She needs you. Come by? Francis’s texts ping as I cry from the memories of my darkest days coming to light. Looking down at my bare arms full of inch to two inches of raised healed flesh, I feel. Pain is a blossoming flower, rooting in the veins, sprouting itself through the skin and flourishing in the tears of pure agony. Beautiful. Ugly. Damning. I bring the wine bottle back to my lips, kissing the glass as its comfort is all that ties me here.
When? Toby isn’t home. I have time.
It’s true. I could drive over, be there for her, and maybe get a night’s sleep where Toby isn’t here to hurt me with his