I don’t get my shit together soon, I’ll end up destroying some fundamental part of our relationship.
If I haven’t already.
“Ice it twice a day, keep it elevated,” the doctor says, wrapping an elastic bandage around Liv’s wrist. “Ibuprofen for the pain, but double check that with your oncologist. When is your next appointment with him?”
“This Friday.”
The doctor looks at Liv’s chart on the computer screen. “And your last chemo?”
“Five days ago,” she says. “I have a few rough days right after the infusion, but then I start to feel better.”
“And you’ve been feeling okay the past twenty-four hours?” the doctor asks.
She nods. “Why? Is something wrong?”
“You have a slight fever. Did the nurse mention that to you?”
Liv shakes her head, glancing at me. A knot tightens in my stomach.
“What’s my temperature?” she asks.
“100.4. What instructions did your oncologist give you regarding fevers?”
“He said to come in if I had a temperature of over 100.5 since that could be the sign of an infection,” Liv says. “But I feel fine. No chills or anything.”
“Muscle weakness?” the doctor asks.
“No…well, I mean, I guess my legs went weak when I lost my balance, but other than that…” Her voice trails off.
The doctor turns away from the computer, his forehead furrowed. “I’ll give your oncologist a call.”
I let out my breath slowly. Infection. It’s a word I’ve dreaded since hearing that Liv had to have chemotherapy, my head filling with nightmares of a caustic virus coursing through her body, her blood, her bones.
After phone calls and consultations, Dr. Anderson admits Liv for overnight observation and comes to meet us at the hospital. I text Claire that I’ll be home later than expected.
Liv is put into isolation and started on antibiotics. A blood draw reveals her white blood cell counts are dangerously low. Dr. Anderson tells us she needs to stay hospitalized until she’s stable again.
“How long will that be?” Liv asks.
Her voice is steady, but her eyes simmer with frustration and distress. I put my hand on the scarf wrapped around her head.
“Hopefully not more than a few days,” Dr. Anderson replies. “We’ll get the test results back soon and see if we need to start you on a different course of antibiotics. I want your white cell count to be in normal range before I release you.”
Liv touches my arm. She’s struggling not to cry. I almost go down on my knees in…what? Prayer? Pain? Begging?
“Tell the kids I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodnight to them,” she says. “If they’re not sleeping, have them call me when you get home, okay?”
I nod, unable to speak past the constriction in my throat. “I will. I love you.”
But like everything else I’m doing now, the words are not enough.
After hours at the hospital, I return to the Butterfly House late at night. There’s a package on the doorstep. I bring it inside, drop my keys on the kitchen counter, and tug at the knot of my tie.
I open the package to reveal a little round box embroidered with a butterfly design. I’ll bring it to Liv tomorrow. Another butterfly gift will lift her spirits.
My eyes burn. Footsteps sound on the stairs. I turn as Claire comes into the kitchen, looking concerned.
“Hi,” she whispers. “Kids are asleep. How’s Liv?”
“Her fever isn’t bad, but they’re worried about her blood count.” I drag my hands over my face. “Everything okay here?”
“Fine. I let the kids watch a movie so they would be a bit distracted. Do you want anything to eat?”
“No.”
“How long do they have to keep Liv in the hospital?”
“They don’t know yet.”
“I can stay the night,” Claire offers. “If you want to get to the hospital early tomorrow, I mean. I have extra clothes in my gym bag, and I can get the kids ready and off to school in the morning.”
Though I know she means well, I don’t want her staying overnight or getting the kids to school. Liv is the one who should be doing that.
But she’s not here.
“Uh…okay.” I have no idea if my greater responsibility is to get my children ready for school or to be at the hospital with my wife. “Do you need…”
“I’ll sleep in the guest room,” Claire says. “Don’t worry about me. You should probably get some sleep yourself.”
“Yeah.” I thank her and trudge up the stairs, stopping in Bella’s room to kiss her goodnight, and then in Nicholas’s room.
He’s sound asleep, but he stirs when I lie down on the bed beside him. I pull him against