launches herself at me, apparently having forgotten my earlier outburst.
She clambers onto my back, and next thing I know Archer and I are having races and wrestling matches with the kids, then starting a game of pirates where I get cast into the role of the villainous commander of the British Navy.
We take a break so Nicholas can do his homework before dinner. We sit at the table while he finishes his math and spelling worksheets, then I take out some graph paper and a box of pencils.
“What’re you doing?” Nicholas asks me, getting to his knees on the chair.
I hand him and Archer each a pencil.
“Thanks to Uncle Archer,” I tell my son, “we’re going to design your pirate fort, Captain West.”
We get to work figuring out the blueprint while Bella lounges on the sofa and looks at picture books. It’s not until I hear Liv’s voice that I realize I haven’t thought about the cancer for a couple of hours.
We all turn to find her standing in the kitchen, steadying herself on the doorjamb and dressed in yoga pants and a green fleece shirt that matches the scarf on her head. Though she’s still pale, she’s smiling her usual Liv smile—the one that has all the power needed to conquer the dark side.
“Mommy!” Bella leaps up from the sofa and races to hug her. “I missed you.”
Liv wraps her arms around our daughter. “I missed you too, sweetie. Did you have a good day at school?”
“Mom, I want to show you my bird sculpture.” Nicholas clambers off his chair and hurries to get his art project.
“Do you feel like eating anything?” I ask Liv. “Claire made you some oatmeal, but there’s also homemade soup.”
“I might have some a little later.” She looks at Archer. “Are you staying for dinner?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.” He starts rolling up the papers, which Liv doesn’t appear to have noticed. “I’ll set the table.”
Liv sits on the sofa with Nicholas and Bella on either side of her, both of them chattering and clamoring for her attention. And then the world straightens into place and the universe has music again.
Chapter 32
Olivia
April 17
As the days get longer and warmer, I sense a subtle change in Dean that is, for once, unrelated to my illness. There’s less tension in his shoulders, and he’s not fighting anger all the time.
Maybe it’s because he’s getting outside more, or is close to finishing his book on medieval castle architecture, or he sees the light at the end of the tunnel. If the weather is good, he and Nicholas spend afternoons and weekends in the woods, or they go up to the tower to “work on something.”
Whatever the “something,” is, it’s doing both father and son a great deal of good.
Dean: Meet me for coffee?
The text message pings on my phone as I sit at the kitchen table, drawing the outline of a vine curling over a terrace. My artist’s notebook is filled with “things that make me happy,” like flowers and hedgehogs.
In the bad days following a chemo infusion, I think not even hedgehogs can cheer me up, but then Bella sees the drawings and shrieks over how cute they are and could I please draw a hedgehog family, and before I know it, I’m reaching for my pencils again.
I pick up my phone, pleased and surprised at my husband’s invitation. Although Dean and I spend a lot of time together, it’s most often in the context of our daily routines or because of chemo. We haven’t just had coffee together in ages.
Liv: I would love to. Java Works at 2:00?
Dean: I’ll be waiting for you.
Of course he will.
With a smile, I put the phone down and go upstairs to pick out something nice to wear. I dress in black wool tights, a plaid skirt, and black sweater. I fasten a black-and-red scarf onto my head and study my reflection. Beneath my clothes, and bolstered by good bras, my breasts look the same as they always have. But they feel different, even the right one, and I still haven’t gained back much sensation after the surgery.
I leave the house early enough to give myself time to take a walk on Avalon Street, enjoying the cool, April air and the sense of spring’s arrival. A few patches of ice still line the sidewalks, but green shoots are starting to come up in the flower boxes, and the window displays are filled with decorative birds, butterflies, and garden scenes.
I browse a few