teach our children what goodness and perseverance are. I need my wife beside me through birthday parties, family vacations, movie nights, school activities, science fairs, weddings, grandchildren, anniversaries. I need her through life.
And for the first time ever, I know to my bones there is something I can’t do. I can’t live without Liv.
I can’t.
Chapter 28
Dean
When I walk in the front door, the house has an unnatural stillness. I put my briefcase on the foyer table, take off my suit jacket, and go into the kitchen. A few unpacked shopping bags sit on the central island alongside Liv’s purse and keys.
“Liv?”
No answer. Faintly alarmed, I check the living room and sunroom. I loosen my necktie and try to think. It’s Thursday, which means it’s Claire’s day off, and Liv usually picks Bella up at lunchtime so they can spend a few hours together before going to get Nicholas from school.
“Liv?” I hurry upstairs.
Bella’s room is empty. I go into our bedroom, my alarm intensifying. The door to the master bathroom is open a crack, a light shining through. I run to push it open, suddenly imagining my wife unconscious on the floor or…
My breath escapes in a rush. Liv is sitting on the closed toilet, her elbows on her knees and her head bowed, her features hidden behind the curtain of hair falling across the side of her face. She jerks upright at the sound of the door opening. Her eyes are bloodshot, her skin pale.
“Liv.” Relief weakens me. I sink to my knees in front of her. “Are you all right? What happened?”
She wipes her damp cheeks and shakes her head.
“Sorry,” she whispers.
“No.” I put my hands on her thighs, my chest tightening. “What happened? Where’s Bella?”
“I asked Claire to pick her up. I wanted to…” She shakes her head again and gives a hoarse, humorless laugh. “It’s just silly.”
“Liv, what?”
Then I see it—the opened box on the counter alongside a pair of scissors and a brush.
I get to my feet slowly. A knot sticks in my throat as I look at the box and the packaging in the trash. It’s a “professional” hair clipper that promises to deliver as close a shave as you can get without a razor.
“I bought it an hour ago.” Liv straightens, looking from the box to me. “I wanted to…I don’t know. When I saw I was starting to lose my hair, I thought maybe it would be empowering or something to shave it off myself before it has a chance to fall out completely. You know, like taking control? But when it came down to actually doing it, I totally caved.”
She takes the clipper from the counter and pulls off the plastic wrapping. Her hands are shaking.
“It’s so stupid,” she whispers, staring down at the shiny blades. “I mean, it’s just hair, right? But I think I’m more scared of this than I was of starting chemo. It doesn’t make any sense at all.”
I reach out to brush a lock of her thick, dark hair away from her forehead. I’d wanted to touch her hair the minute I first saw her at the university registrar’s office all those years ago.
“It makes perfect sense,” I tell her gently.
She wipes away another tear and takes a shuddering breath as if she’s trying to gather her courage. I go into the bedroom and grab the chair from the dressing table, then return and set it in front of the bathroom sink and mirror.
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll go first.”
Liv looks up. “What?”
“You shave my head first. For practice.”
She blinks in surprise. “You…you want me to shave your head?”
“Yeah.” I drag a hand through my hair. “I need a cut anyway. And why should you get to be the only cool, bald person in this household?”
She smiles at that, and I feel like I won the lottery. I grab a towel and drape it around my shoulders before sitting down.
“Go ahead,” I say. “It’ll be easier if you get the hang of it first.”
She hesitates, but finally pushes to her feet and unwinds the cord of the clippers. She plugs it into the wall, sets it on the counter, and moves behind me. Our gazes meet in the reflection of the mirror as she puts her hands in my hair.
“I love your hair, Dean,” she says. “When I saw you that day at the university, I first noticed you, then I noticed what gorgeous, dark hair you had and how shiny it looked, even under the fluorescent