and harder for him, and I understand how awful it was. But I still thought we had a lot more time together. I felt that I needed it, to get my head around everything. The kids certainly did. Fionn and Regan didn’t come home when he was first diagnosed. He didn’t want them to race back and we agreed that the summer was the best time. So although they FaceTimed and everything, they didn’t see him properly before he died, and that hurt them tremendously. If he’d said something, given me some indication . . . If he’d wanted to end his life, perhaps we could have . . . well, you know. I would have investigated that with him. I would have helped. Not to end his life,’ she added hastily. ‘But . . . I’d have been there for him. The way he did it was awful for all of us.’
‘Like I said, he probably wasn’t thinking straight,’ said Deira. ‘Maybe he thought it was all for the best. I’m not saying he was right to think that way, of course. But under the circumstances . . .’
‘The circumstances caused all sorts of problems,’ said Grace. ‘Practical problems for me. Emotional problems for everyone. I should be mourning him, but the truth is, I’m finding it very hard to forgive him, and I’m finding it hard to forgive myself too.’
‘You’ve nothing to forgive yourself for,’ said Deira. ‘You did everything you could.’
Grace said nothing.
‘If you’re angry about him arranging this trip, will doing it actually help?’
‘I don’t bloody know.’ Grace looked uncertain. ‘Throwing the tube of his ashes overboard was cathartic. But I still have more in the boot, along with my suitcase and the hazard warning sign. Which makes me an unfeeling monster, doesn’t it, leaving my husband in the back of the car.’
‘Of course not,’ said Deira. She leaned across the table and squeezed Grace’s hand. ‘I liked Professor Harrington, you know. He was a very understanding sort of man, at least towards his students. I’m sure he wouldn’t have expected you to carry him around in your handbag.’
The two women’s eyes met and Grace choked back a sudden desire to laugh.
‘I couldn’t believe it when I saw the news about his death,’ continued Deira. ‘And if there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. We’re old acquaintances, even if neither of us remembers it.’
‘Talking to you today has been a help,’ said Grace. ‘It’s the first time . . . Well, I haven’t really . . . It’s hard, you see. People don’t know what to say to you. Friends don’t know how to behave. They came to the funeral, they said the standard words and then they disappeared. They don’t want to have to think about his illness, but even more they don’t want to think about how his life ended. They don’t know what to say outside of the funeral setting, so they say nothing at all. These last months, I’ve felt cut off from everyone.’
‘How are your children now?’ asked Deira.
‘Fionn and Regan went back to China and Argentina a month after the funeral,’ said Grace. ‘We speak every few days and they seem to be doing OK, but how can I be sure? Aline had called around to see Ken with her little boy Declan the afternoon it happened. Ken loved Declan, and of course a two-year-old wouldn’t know there was anything wrong so he didn’t treat his grandfather any differently. Truth is, we all tried not to treat him any differently, but the fact that we knew was enough as far as he was concerned. Aline tried to shoulder the blame for not realising something was wrong. I told her if she blamed herself she had to blame me even more, because I was living with him. She had a closure ceremony for him after the funeral, but I’m sure she’s still hurting.’
‘It must be very hard.’ Deira understood how people found it difficult to talk to Grace about what had happened. Beyond platitudes, she didn’t know what to say either.
‘It is what it is.’ Grace sat up straighter. ‘Anyhow, I’ve very uncharacteristically dumped all that on you and made our meal a lot less cheerful than it could have been, so I can only apologise.’
‘You were right to tell me, said Deira. ‘And you’re right to talk about it to someone you hardly know. Because sometimes it’s harder to share stuff with people you’re close to