head. Because she was. What better opportunity was going to come to her? What were the chances now that she’d ever have the baby she wanted?
She cupped her stomach in her hands.
He would’ve made her pregnant. It would’ve worked.
She was an idiot.
She’d made a mess of everything again.
It was nearly an hour before she got up and got dressed, this time in leggings and sweatshirt. She put on her trainers and began to jog, following the canal until she reached Hanover Quay. She looked up at the Arc Tech office, full of young people hoping for a wonderful career and a wonderful life. Would the youthful CEO offer her a job? And if so, would that job compensate her for having turned down an opportunity for a changed life?
‘Hey, Deira.’ The man walking down the steps waved at her. ‘Are you scoping us out?’
‘Ardal.’ She smiled at the man who’d interviewed her the day before. ‘Maybe I am. I came for a jog and ended up here.’
‘I spoke to Bethany yesterday afternoon. We’re working on a package for you. We really want to have you on the team.’ The CEO smiled too. ‘Would you like to see the space again?’
‘OK,’ she said.
She followed him back up the steps and inside the building.
‘It’s quiet today, being Saturday,’ said Ardal. ‘But we could have this area open on Saturdays too. I haven’t really thought that through. I was also thinking we could incorporate a café. Make it a social centre, you know?’
She walked around the space, enjoying the sun as it came through the glass walls but thinking about how any paintings would have to be protected from the light. And thinking about installation art exhibitions she’d done in the past and how much more effective they’d be here.
‘I like it,’ she said. ‘It feels right.’
‘That’s what I thought too.’ Ardal nodded ‘I’m not the arty type, Deira. It’s microprocessors that do it for me. But I don’t want us to be a one-dimensional company.’
‘You aren’t,’ she said. ‘Not if you’re thinking about this.’
‘I have a dream of it being a wonderful place for people to come,’ he said. ‘And I hope you can deliver it for me.’
‘I hope I can too,’ she said. ‘In fact, I know I can.’
Later that night, Tillie called around, bringing a couple of scented candles that she put on the coffee table in the living room. Soothing and inspiring, she said as she indicated them. Which would Deira like to light first?
‘I’m not sure which I need more.’
‘Soothing, I think,’ said Tillie. ‘You did the right thing today, Deira.’
Deira looked at her doubtfully. She’d phoned her friend after getting home and shared the whole saga with her.
‘You did,’ Tillie insisted as the scent of jasmine perfumed the air.
‘I wanted something and I gave up the chance of it,’ said Deira. ‘Not particularly bright.’
‘I honestly believe that if it’s right for you, you’ll find a way. Gavin clearly wasn’t the right way. That’s all.’
‘It’s weird, isn’t it,’ said Deira. ‘Most people don’t want to get pregnant after a quick shag, and yet he was looking at it as a kind of business transaction. In the end, I couldn’t do that to myself. Or to any baby I might have wanted. But surely that means I mustn’t have wanted it badly enough, because most women will do anything to get pregnant when they’re desperate.’
‘And are you? Still? Desperate?’
‘I don’t know,’ she admitted. ‘I have to be honest and confess that I don’t feel quite as twangy in the womb department as I did a few weeks ago. Although it could just be that I’d been reading the stats again before Gavin came and thinking how hopeless it all was. And also thinking that if it really mattered to me, I wouldn’t care about the hopelessness of it all, I’d do it anyway. It felt right to say no to him, and yet part of me is afraid I’ll regret it.’
‘We all have regrets,’ said Tillie. ‘The thing is not to let ourselves be taken over by them.’
Deira said nothing.
‘And who knows, it might still happen,’ Tillie added.
‘I’m not holding my breath,’ Deira said. ‘I’ll . . . Actually, no, I don’t even want to think about it. Not now. Maybe not ever again.’
‘OK,’ said Tillie. ‘Let’s talk about something else. Tell me all the details of your trip.’
Even though she was closer to Tillie than anyone, Deira wasn’t prepared to tell her everything. She left out her middle-of-the-night