I agreed to try would be you, your faith, your hope.”
And what about my secret? It was one big wrecking ball, to her, to us, to everything. Once let loose, it would destroy anything we might manage to build.
It was better for her if I let it swing now.
I swallowed, my eyes burning. “I need to tell you now, what I should have told you at the beginning.”
“Don’t.” Lotus put her fingers on my mouth.
“Babe, I have to.” My lips brushed her fingertips as I spoke, and I noticed her shiver.
“No, you don’t,” she said firmly. “You don’t have to if I say I don’t want to know.”
“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”
“I can tell that it’s bad. That it’s going to hurt me. That afterward you’re probably going to leave me like everyone else.”
She was probably right, though it wouldn’t be because I wanted to go. It would be because I had to. Because she would want me to go.
“My dad looked at me once like you are right now.” Her gaze turned unfocused. “Right before he told me my mother was gone.”
“Lotus, fuck.” I reached out, instinctually wanting to comfort her. If she was hurting, I had to try to alleviate her pain.
But she was faster than me and wrapped her arms around herself. She had instincts of her own now that didn’t include me.
“And Storm looked at me like you are, right before he told me he was leaving,” she said, and I flinched at the recognition of the instincts she’d developed, in part because of me. “You remind me of him sometimes. When you’re kind, gentle, and thoughtful. He had a temper too, but he tempered it for me. I think you could too if only you would try.”
“I don’t have your faith in me,” I said, my voice husky.
“Maybe not.” She refocused on me. “Maybe I could help you with that. But then again, maybe I’m not worth all that effort. Saber didn’t ever seem to think so.”
Frustrated, I closed my eyes for a second. My brother had been all wrong for her.
“You are so worth the effort,” I said, and tried to reach for her again.
“Don’t.” Lotus shook her head at me, hugging herself tighter. “Don’t touch me. I can’t think straight when you touch me, and I need to get this out. Like you, I’ve been alone a long time. I’m accustomed to it, but I don’t like it. I’ve grown stagnant. No ink to mark my journey. Nothing really to show for myself, just me getting by. Only a little more of me, the good part, the part that needs to connect to grow, dies a little more each day. I’m lonely, Journey, and tired. But not with you.”
“I’m always lonely, except with you,” I said. A journeyman tired of the journey, at a crossroads.
“If it were up to me to choose,” she bobbed her head, a lily barely afloat, “I’d choose not to ever have your truth.”
“It’s not a truth I can keep hidden,” I whispered, feeling raw.
“Do I have to know if it’s going to end this little bit of connection and comfort that I’ve found with you, that I believe we both have found together?”
More tears spilled. I was a goner, gone for her from the moment she stepped back into my life.
“At some point,” I said, “someone will figure it out.”
My brothers. My parents. Her.
Or I would slip up. I’d almost done so several times.
“Would you try for me?” Lotus’s eyes searched mine. “You’re not married or breaking any law being with me, are you?”
“No, it’s nothing like that. There’s only you. But it’s wrong, me not telling you.”
“A wrong that will end what we’ve found?” she asked. Her eyes were reddish and bright, like the setting sun reflected on the walls of the cliffs.
“That’s the most likely outcome,” I said.
“I’d rather have a little more time together with your secret kept than none at all.”
“If I agree to this,” I choked out, my heart breaking, “there’s a good chance you’ll hate me in the end.”
Hate me now, or hate me later.
I wavered, because a little more time with her with hope between us and not my secret was what I wanted too.
Lotus
“I PROMISE I won’t hate you,” I told Journey, committing to that as staunchly as I’d once committed to be Storm’s friend. “If your secret becomes known, I will lay my hand on your cheek. I will kiss your lips softly. I’ll remember